Schmidt    Happens

A Novella

Schmidt-load series Book 2

Susan Renee

Schmidt Happens

Original Copyright © Susan Renee 2017

All Rights Reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of this book without the permission of the publisher or author constitutes unlawful piracy and theft. For use of any part of this book please contact the Author at authorsusanrenee@gmail.com for written consent.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons living or dead, is coincidental.

Except for the original material written by the author, all songs, and/or song titles mentioned, throughout the novel Schmidt Happens, are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.

Disclaimer: This book is intended for adult readers only and is not appropriate for minors. There is some language and adult sexual content. This book is just meant to be fun. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you might not [NL1]want to get to know Jack Schmidt.

Cover art by Samantha Roth of Grothic Designs

Editing by Nikki Rose

Formatting by Douglas M. Huston

Other books by Susan Renee

You Don’t Know Jack Schmidt – Schmidt Load Series Book 1

Hole Punched

Seven

Solving Us

To my team of Book Bitches,

Thank you for your willingness

to be silly with me,

and for your help in making

a ridiculous bunch

of “Schmidt” titles become an

entertaining book series.

I love how much we laugh together.

You make my life fun.

Chapter 1

JACK

Does it make me a pussy that I caved on the manly-dating thing and hid behind my laptop to meet a woman? It feels that way. Shit, if Jacoby ever finds out I chickened out on finding a girl the old-fashioned way and started seeing a cyber chick, he’ll never let me live it down. Whatever, Mr. Walks-into-a-store-everyday-and-buys-something-just-to-meet-a-girl has no leg to stand on. He didn’t exactly do it the old-fashioned way either. It took him forever to get the balls to finally talk to Jenna, and he does romance for a living for Pete’s sake. His persistence paid off though. Jenna is a great girl and he’s lucky to have her. He deserves to be happy after all these years. I should’ve just asked Jacoby if Jenna had a friend he could hook me up with.

I glance at the time on my cell phone. It’s seven o’clock. I’m meeting Linda in an hour at The Harp and Hound, one of the Irish pubs in town[NL2]. She mentioned having a prior commitment earlier this afternoon. I’m hoping that’s not code for going out with some other guy first before seeing me, although I suppose I shouldn’t complain. At least if we don’t hit it off we won’t be forced to sit through a meal that neither of us enjoys. It’s just drinks. And if we hit it off, she ends her night with me and not someone else. I don’t see why we wouldn’t have a great time together. Unless her profile is completely fake and she’s not the person she claims to be, then I’m looking forward to laughing with a beautiful girl who has no filter. What could be better?

“Well, Sampson,” I rub the back of my favorite dog’s ears. “I guess I should go get a shower. It’ll be time to leave before I know it.” Sampson rolls over on top of my bed, clearly insisting that I rub his stomach. He is, by far, the most spoiled dog on the face of the Earth. “What am I going to wear tonight, Sam? Did you pick out something nice for me?”

Sampson moans and flops over onto his side, ready for his evening nap. “Yeah, what good are you then, buddy?” I smile at him and pet his head before getting up to head to the shower. It’s not until I’m under the warm water that the nerves start to creep up on me. I know I haven’t dedicated a lot of my adult life to building relationships with women. I focused ninety-nine percent of my college time on keeping a perfect grade point average. I owed it to everyone who helped me get to school in the first place. The other one percent was everything Jacoby made me do in my not-so-free time. Now, the law firm keeps me pretty busy, and if I have any hope of making partner someday, my persistence has to continue. I shouldn’t care at all about dating. I could just keep my head down, keep busy and become the most successful lawyer the state of Connecticut has ever seen. Hell, I could move to New York City, find a sweet job, and live out my days as a single guy in the big city.

No, it’s time. I’ve got to do this. I want to do this. I watched Jacoby court the girl of his dreams and damn if I don’t deserve the same happily ever after. I need someone other than my four-legged furry friend keeping me company at night. I’m a nice guy. I know how to treat people nicely. It’s alright that I don’t have all the dating experience that most normal guys probably have. I think I’ve done fair job of keeping my life’s priorities in check so far. What’s not to like with me? I’m a catch. I think.

I hope.

Linda’s profile picture pops into my head as I lather myself in the shower. As long as her picture is actually a fair representation of her - dark auburn hair, beautiful eyes and nose ring you can’t help but notice, then she’s a very pretty girl. I’ve enjoyed getting to know her in the few conversations we’ve had. She seems to have a spunky personality and isn’t afraid to make conversation, so at least I know she isn’t shy. Learning that we both live in the same town allowed us to easily come out from behind our computers and decide to get to know one another in person. There’s just one unknown. It’s the same unknown I have every single time I make plans with a woman.

Sex.

I’m a smart guy so I understand that being in my mid-twenties, most girls I meet will probably not be virgins, and that many times, I’m sure, casual dates lead to casual sex. Even though I consider myself a well-grounded man, the fear of not knowing what my date’s going to expect from me at the end of the night eats at me every time. I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, for lack of a better word, but none of them have been mind-blowingly spectacular. In fact, some of them have been downright nightmares.

***

I step out of my apartment at the same time that my neighbor from two doors down, Gabby, comes out of her place with who I can only guess is her latest client. I’ve seen so many different men come and go from her apartment, some looking perfectly fine, others a bit disheveled. I sometimes question if she really is a masseuse and not a one-woman brothel. I suppose she could pass as an accountant. That’s it. She’s just doing their taxes.

In her bathrobe?

She smiles and winks at me as she pulls her robe tighter. “Hey Jack. Hot date tonight?”

Gabby and I don’t talk much, but she’s always been friendly any time we’ve been in close proximity to each other. “Hi Gabby. Umm, I’m just meeting a friend tonight over at the Harp and Hound.” I choose not to go into particulars since I really don’t know her very well. After seeing what goes in and comes out of her apartment though, who knows what she’s capable of?

“Well I hope your night is very…satisfying.” She winks one more time before retreating.

“Thanks.” I smile. “Umm, see you around, Gabby.” I wave slightly as I turn away from her and head down the steps and out the door to my car.

Chapter 2

I pull up to the Harp and Hound at precisely eight o‘clock. Linda told me she would be wearing a purple sweater of some sort so I would know for sure who she was when I got here. I told her I would find her. It’s not like she hasn’t seen my profile picture, so I’m confident she knows what I look like. I thought about doing something romantic like bringing her a rose or something, but she’s told me in conversation that she hates that Bachelor show so I figured she might take my nice gesture the wrong way. I step inside the bar, trying my best to appear relaxed and calm, though I’m anything but. This is one of my favorite spots in town, so I have no reason to be uncomfortable, except for the part about meeting a beautiful girl for the first time. I don’t see anyone in a purple sweater just yet though, so I nod to a couple of guys I’ve seen in here before and head to the bar for a drink.

“Hey Mike.” I wave to the bartender. “Guinness on tap tonight?”

“Evenin’ Jack. Sure is. Coming right up,” he answers.

“Thanks.”

“Jack Schmidt?” A perky yet instantly sultry voice comes from behind me. I turn my head and nearly stumble over when I see the stunning girl standing standing before me. Studying the eyes of the nearby men around the bar as well, I can safely assume I’m not the only one who noticed Linda’s arrival.

She’s standing here in a purple sweater dress, short enough that I wouldn’t want her bending over in front of any other guy but me. Her black boots reach just below her knees and hug tightly to her legs.

“Your…your hair,” I stutter. “It’s red.”

Her face scrunches up in front of me but she giggles. “Shit, sorry. Yeah. I got it colored and totally forgot to tell you. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be, it’s…”

She’s stunning.

“It’s beautiful.”

She smiles and I instantly smile back. “Thanks,” she says.

I smile at her, not saying anything for an awkward few seconds before I remember what we’re both here for. “I’m sorry.” I shake my head. “Where are my manners? Uh, what can I get you to drink?”

She chews on the inside of her mouth as she contemplates what she wants. I can’t help but smile because her face is adorable when she does that. “How about a Corona, with a lime.”

A girl after my own heart.

I turn to Mike who nods to me that he already heard her order. He hands me both of our drinks and I turn to follow Linda to a booth in the other section of the restaurant. I watch her body move as she walks across the floor. One day, maybe I’ll be holding her hand and walking confidently with her, knowing that her body and my body have done the cha-cha slide, the booty-scootin’ boogey, the cupid shuffle and the Humpty Dance more times than a man can count.

Focus Jack.

To my surprise, Linda picks the back-corner booth, where we are least likely to be disturbed. “Is this okay with you? I don’t know about you,” she says. “But I like to hear people when they talk to me.” Her smile is ornery but gorgeous. I can’t keep my eyes off of her.

“Yeah. This is perfect.” Like a gentleman, I wait for her to slide in to make sure she’s ok before sliding in on the other side of the table.

“You really look lovely tonight. Maybe you hear this a lot, but purple really looks great with your hair color.”

She laughs quietly before thanking me. “You don’t look so bad yourself. I’m really excited to finally be meeting you in person.”

We both take a sip of our beers and when she puts her glass back on the table she’s smirking at me.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” I ask her, playfully horrified.

[NL3]She laughs. “No. I promise, you look great.” She leans forward and rests her arms on the table. “I love the leather jacket. It’s a great look.”

“Thanks.”

“I just have a secret, that I swear to God I didn’t know until just a couple hours ago.”

“A secret?” A million different things float through my head. Something she knows that I don’t know…what could it possibly be?

Are we somehow related?

Is she related to my boss?

God, is she my boss’s daughter?

“Well, okay, maybe not a secret as much as a confession. It seems that uh…I know a friend of yours and you know a friend of mine.”

“Oh yeah?” I smile curiously. “Well, I guess it’s a pretty small world out there, and knowing now that we’re both from Mystic, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Are you allowed to share your secret, or is it one of those if-you-tell-me-you’ll-have-to-kill-me type of things?”

“How about if I give you a hint?” she offers. Her excitement is infectious. At least it seems like whatever her secret is, it’s a good one.

“Okay. Go for it.” I reply, leaning forward matching her position.

“I told you in our recent conversations that I work in retail,” she starts. “But I never told you where.”

“Right. And I never asked because I assumed if you wanted me to know, you would’ve told me and I’m kind of glad you didn’t because I might have thought you were ok with creepy stalkers coming into your workplace just to check you out.” I start to chuckle but her eyes narrow just slightly as if I just read her mind.

Her mouth does that cute sideways thing again before she says, “Why not? Your best friend did it for months before he finally asked her out.”

Her comment catches me off guard. I watch her sit back against the booth and take a nice gulp of her beer, wiping her mouth off with the back of her hand when she finishes.

“My best friend?” I ponder. That can only be one person. “Jacoby? You know Jacoby?” I watch her face for a second before I gasp. “No shit. You work at The Hole Punch?”

She scrunches up her face as she grins. The expression suits her. She’s adorably cute. “Yep. I do. And Jenna Zimmerman is my sister from another mister, so of course I know Jacoby!”

I know my face is red, so I’m appreciative that it’s night time and this bar is relatively low lit. This way she can’t see the slight embarrassment as I remember my thoughts from earlier today about Jenna having a friend for me. “So how did you just find out about this connection? How has this not come up in the last couple of weeks or so that we’ve been chatting? Don’t you girls share everything with each other? Isn’t that what girls do?”

Her eyes widen. “Not this time. I…” Her face scrunches again and I can tell she’s not sure what she’s trying to say. “I didn’t want to tell Jenna that…”

“That you were trying to meet a guy on the internet?” I finish her sentence for her. Her shoulders relax and her head tilts to the side. “Does that sound lame? That sounds really lame, right?” She questions, bashfully.

“Yeah, it does.” I tease her. “Only lame people look for other lame people on the internet. So at least you can rest assured that you won’t be lame alone. You’ll have me.”

“Phew. Thank Christ for that,” she answers. “Nobody deserves to be lame and alone at the same time.” She winks. “But seriously, I just didn’t want to mention it to Jenna. My relationships in the past have been pretty casual. I usually just tell her about the sex and move on about my day.” She looks up at me, knowing what she just said and bites her tongue. “I’m sorry. Shit. That was super presumptuous of me, I didn’t mean that…”

“It’s ok.” I stop her. “I understand.” I force myself to smile even under her implication that this date will lead to casual sex that she’ll talk about tomorrow morning.

And then she’ll move on.

Linda takes another swig of her beer. I watch her from across the table. Her look, the way she moves – she seems so well put together but in that I-don’t-care-as-long-as-I’m-comfortable kind of way. She certainly oozes sexy as far as I’m concerned, but I’m not sure I’ll be the type she’s looking for.

“So, have you known Jacoby long?” she asks.

“Yeah.” I clear my throat and take another quick drink. “Yeah, since the eighth grade actually. My foster parents were neighbors of his. Jacoby was the first kid to ever come to my door and introduce himself.” I smile endearingly, remembering the scrawny dark-haired kid with the mischievous but desperate look on his face standing in the doorway to my house. “He asked me to come play the very first day I arrived and we’ve been best friends ever since. I owe him more than he’ll ever realize.”

I glance across the table at Linda who is staring at me with a perplexed expression, catching me a little off guard. “You’re a foster kid?. Her question smacks me in the face. I didn’t perceive her to be a callous person.

I nod slowly, watching her. “Yeah. Well, I mean, I was…for a few years. My foster parents adopted me at the start of ninth grade, so technically I was out of the system then.”

She continues to watch me silently. It’s driving me crazy that she’s not saying anything. It’s damn near pissing me off. “I’m sorry.” My hand slides through my hair in frustration. “Is the fact that I was a foster kid fifteen [NL4]years ago a deal breaker for you or something?”

“What?” She startles. “Oh, my God, no! No, no, no. I’m sorry. I was just…thinking back to our previous conversations because I don’t think I ever told you.”

“Told me what?” I ask.

“That it’s my dream to someday be a foster parent. Actually, what I really want is to have a big enough place and enough money someday to adopt a few children,” she explains.

Oh. Well, that’s not what I expected at all.

“What makes you want to do something like that of all things?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “No, that’s not true. I do know. It’s because of those damn commercials on TV.”

I frown at her. “I don’t follow.”

“You know, the ones with the emaciated dogs and the sad Sarah McLachlan music…and then the ones where the kids are picking through garbage in some third world country or they have flies all over them, like they’re cattle waiting to be slaughtered. It breaks my heart every time, but what about the kids right here, in our very own country? What about the kids right here in Connecticut? Why do they have to be pushed into homes with families who only want them for the government stipend and not because these people want to love them? Why are they forced to live like that in our own back yards?”

“So, you want to adopt older kids? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Yeah! Why not? Siblings! Cousins! Whatever. I don’t want to be part of something that rips families apart. I want to be the one who provides them a safe and loving home so they can feel normal and happy.”

Damn, I think I’m having a brain orgasm.

Is that a thing?

“Were you a foster kid too?” I ask, still perplexed at why her passion seems as strong as it does.

“No, but I worked with Big Brothers-Big Sisters through my sorority in college, so I got to spend a good bit of time with a few kids that…man, broke my heart. I wanted to be able to just bring them home with me and tell them that I would love them and everything would be okay. Shit just doesn’t work like that all the time, you know?”

“Yeah…I know all too well, actually. It’s basically what I do on a daily basis. Family law can be rewarding, but there are still the days when I’m in charge of recommending to a judge what happens to the kids who are now being thrust into broken homes. Custody battles, emotions running high, kids that have no idea what’s really going on and blame themselves. It can be a soul sucking nightmare some days.”

“I can only imagine.” Linda finishes off her beer. I watch as her empty glass is placed back on the table. “I’m sorry, Jack,” she says. “This conversation got deep real fast. I didn’t mean for that to happen. Talking to you feels so…easy.” She smiles.

“It’s okay. I’m glad you’re comfortable talking to me. You’re beautiful by the way…stunning, even…in case I forgot to tell you or forget to tell you again later.” Linda blushes and looks away before turning her eyes back to me. I decide to change the subject. “So, you work at The Hole Punch?”

“Yep.” She nods. “The pornographic sounding office supply store.”

“What got you started working there?” I ask, chucking at her reply.

She shrugs. “It was a job I had just out of high school to help pay my way through college, but since I went to college locally, I just kept working so I could help my mom out after my dad died.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Her father is dead? She never mentioned that to me before.

“It’s alright. It’s not something I talk about all the time. He was a fisherman. Died on the job years ago.”

“And you said before that you went to school for business?”

“Yeah. That’s about as generic as they come, right?” She chuckles to herself. “Nobody ever tells you when you graduate that you’ll have no clue where to start so you’ll just end up working retail for the rest of your life[NL5]…but it’s okay. I like it most days, well – at least while Jenna’s still there. It’ll be hell when she’s gone.”

“Gone? Where is she going?” I hadn’t heard anything from Jacoby lately about her.

“Oh, right, you wouldn’t know. Phew, sooo much happened tonight at the fashion show Jenna did today! But I don’t want to give spoilers. You should call Jacoby later. He’ll have a lot to tell you.””

“Wow. Yeah, I guess I will.” I nod, trying to read her facial expressions. She’s not giving anything away. “But does that mean if she’s going somewhere that he’s going with her?” I start to worry a bit that my best friend is leaving town and neglected to tell me before making such a huge decision.

“Don’t worry..” Her hand reaches across the table and lands on mine as if she’s comforting me. I wish she would keep it there for the whole night. “They’re not going far[NL6].”

We spend a good hour or more making small talk and getting to know one another as much as we can before the volume of the music in the bar is turned up, catching Linda’s attention. She smiles and starts singing “Dance with Me Tonight[NL7]” by Olly Murs. Her upper body starts to move just enough that I can tell she’s tapping her feet under the table. A smile graces her face. She’s sheer beauty.

“Dance with me?” she offers.

“What?”

“Do you want to dance?” she asks again. I look around the room to see not one other couple dancing anywhere.

“Uhhh…I don’t see anyone else dancing,” I say to her.

She smirks at me as she shimmies out of the booth. “Who the hell cares? Do you always do things that everyone else does?” she smirks.. Her body pulses to the beat of the song.

I could easily love this girl already.

I smile back at her. “Yeah, I do, actually.” I’m nothing if I’m not honest. I don’t usually take chances.

“Hmm…I bet you’re the type to never fart in public too. Am I right?” Her question makes me laugh out loud.

“Well, I am a guy don’t forget.” I respond as she holds her hand out to me. I would be an idiot not to take it and follow her.

“And now you’re a guy who gets to dance with his date. Come on.” She pulls me from my seat. In the back of the bar where we are, there is a slightly open area where she moves before turning into me and placing her hands in mine. Her body moves swiftly and feels incredible next to mine. The song has a swing feel to it so I grab her hand and turn her around before dipping her just enough to let her know that I know what I’m doing.

“Whoa! You can dance?” she asks through her smile.

“You never asked if I could. You just asked if I wanted to.” I smile back. As we move together, I look around just enough to notice that a few other ladies have grabbed their partners and joined us on the pretend dance floor. Before we know it, there’s a small group of us dancing around the cramped space. This might be the first time I’ve ever seen people dancing in this bar. When Linda makes eye contact with me towards the end of the song, I wink at her and then lift her up against my chest to swing her around. Her giggles vibrate against me as I wrap my arms around her curves. She pants into my neck as she catches her breath. When I lower her feet to the floor she continues to hold on to me. It takes all the control I have to not plunge my tongue down her throat like a horny teenage boy. Instead, I survey her beautifully tousled hair, bring my hand up to the nape of her neck and place a kiss on her forehead.

“I didn’t know you could dance so well.” She praises. “I needed that.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.” I nod in the direction of the speaker where Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You” is now playing. “Do you salsa?”

She laughs nervously. “Uhhh, not really.” She hesitates. Without giving her moment to second guess, I pull her into me. “It’s easy, just follow my lead.” I place my right hand on her back and bring her left hand up to my shoulder. We sway to the left and to the right in time with the music a few times before I signal that I’m going to move.  My hip moves forward against hers, leading her feet to step in the right direction. She’s a quick learner. Soon, our bodies are shifting back and forth seductively and suggestively, and for a moment, I wonder if maybe I’m coming on too strong. I can see it in her reddened face. She’s opening the door and allowing me complete access to her if I want it, but that’s just the problem.  She won’t understand why I don’t want it.

We dance for a while longer, not noticing that it’s going on midnight. “I think I could use some air.” Linda tells me. She takes my hand and leads me outside where we both stand in the cool crisp autumn night. A strong breeze blows through, causing her to throw her arms around herself and shiver.

“Are you cold? We can go back in,” I suggest. “Here. Take my jacket.”

She backs herself into me, leaning against my chest. I take that as a sign that it’s okay to touch her and rub my hands up and down her arms to try and warm her up. “Nah, I’m okay. I have you to keep me warm.”

I’m not sure how to respond to her. Do I tell her that she smells magnificent and that I would love to keep her warm all night long in my arms and in my bed? Do I tell her that dancing with her and having her body pressed against mine was more excitement than I’ve experienced in a long while? Or do I tell her that she’s probably making a huge mistake with me because I choose to spend more time studying and working than fraternizing with members of the opposite sex? Or that every semi-long-term relationship I ever had went to hell in a hand basket? Okay, the one long-term relationship I had. And buy long, I mean a mere six months.

When I stop rubbing Linda’s arms, she turns her body into me, snuggling her face into my chest. “You smell so good,” she says. “I bet all the girls tell you that.”

“Hmm,” I murmur. “You would be surprised.”

She raises her head to look at me, smiling curiously. The lamplight above us hits her face perfectly. She glows like an angel. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

That means there aren’t any other girls.

“Nothing.” I shake my head and smile. “I’ve really had a great time with you tonight. I didn’t expect a drink to turn into a night of dancing. You’re pretty good.”

She chuckles. “You’re not so bad yourself.” She stands there in front of me, looking at my face. My eyes shift from her lips to her eyes, back to her lips, and then back to her eyes.

“It’s okay you know,” she whispers.

“What’s okay?” I ask.

“It’s okay for you to kiss me.”

Shit. Was I that obvious?

“Linda, I don’t want you to…” I start, but Linda cuts me off.

“Kiss me Jack.” Her hand glides up my neck and she reaches up on her tip-toes until her lips connect with mine. My hand clutches her waist softly at first, but soon I’m pulling her into me as tightly as I can. When her tongue slides, ever so softly, between my lips, my stomach bottoms out and I hear myself groan. I feel like I’ve just gone over the steepest hill of a roller coaster and there’s no stopping now. The jolt of adrenaline that shoots through me is unrelenting and I wonder if she feels it too.

“Oh!” She gasps. I open my eyes to see her standing there, watching me with two fingers pressed against her lips.

“I – I’m sorry. Did I…hurt you?” I stutter.

“No. You didn’t hurt me at all.” She shakes her head breathlessly. “Did you feel that?”

“Feel what?”

The never-ending need to have your tongue rolling against mine?

The desire to take you home and fulfill your every fantasy?

Yeah. I felt it.

Linda tilts her head, studying me, and for a moment, I feel as though I might be an alien from another world on display for all to see and misunderstand. “Do you want to come back to my place?”

And there it is. The question I want so badly to answer, but don’t want to answer at all. I take a slow deep breath, knowing I’m going to be sending her home in disappointment. “Actually, I should probably get home…”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay. I understand,” she says, clearly caught off-guard by my answer. She opens the front flap on her purse and rifles through it until she finds her keys.

God, she must think I’m not interested.

“No. I – I mean I want to, I just… I have a little bit of work to do before I get to bed, and Sam...”

“Sam? Is that your roommate?” she asks.

“Sort of, yeah.” I smile. “Of the four-legged bulldog variety.”

She smiles, looking almost relieved. “Ohhh right. Your profile picture. Why didn’t I remember that? I love dogs.” Words have never sounded sweeter. She’s sexy as hell, she’s not a diva, and she loves dogs? What did I do to deserve this?

“Yeah? Maybe…maybe you can meet him. You know, sometime,” I tell her.

“Yeah. Sometime. I think I’d like that.” She smiles. “Sooo…”

“Sooo, is this where we exchange phone numbers and promises to call each other?” I ask innocently.

“Yeah. That would be great,” she says. I watch as she grabs her phone from her purse, backs us up so that we’re underneath the street light and snaps a selfie. She pushes a button on her phone and hands it to me. “Here. Send this to yourself and then you can write me back and then I’ll have your number.”

“Oh. Okay.” I do as she requests, smiling to myself that I’ll have another picture of her to look at before I fall asleep tonight. “Done.”

“Great. Now if I don’t hear from you, you’ll be the jackass.” She winks at me sweetly before reaching up on her tip-toes one more time, placing a kiss on my cheek. “Thanks for tonight, Jack. I hope I see you again.”

“Is tomorrow too soon?” I joke.

She looks back at me and smiles. “Good night, Jack.”

Chapter 3

LINDA

“So…you’ve gone most of your entire shift and haven’t mentioned a word about your date last night with the one and only Jack Schmidt. Did it go that well or did it go that poorly?” Jenna inquires while we finish up our restocking for the afternoon. She’s right. I have been unusually quiet about my night last night, but that’s only because I can’t seem to figure it out.

“I don’t know.” I murmur, stuffing five-dollar bills back into their slot.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“Jizz, I said I don’t know, okay?”

“Uh, no. It’s not okay, and let me tell you why,” she argues.

“Oh, this ought to be good.” I mumble.

“Do you know how many times I didn’t want to talk about Jacoby or my possible feelings for him in the past six-ish months, but you persisted like the annoying little bitch that you are, until I came to terms with my feelings?”

“Hey!” I frown.

“Oh, suck it up. I meant bitch in the best possible way.” She smirks, though it doesn’t make me feel that much better. “Look, the point is, you’re my person, Linda, and I’m your person and I care. That and Jack is Jacoby’s best friend so I’m bound to hear both sides. So, come on!” She whines. “You’ve gotta give me something!”

I sigh loudly so she hears that I’m irritated. “I’m not sure what I can give you, Jizz. The date was nice. It was better than nice, actually. We drank, we talked, we even danced and oh, my God, did you know he could dance?”

“No.” She shakes her head. “He doesn’t seem the type.”

“Right? I know but let me tell you, that guy has some moves!” I tell her.

“Yeah?”

“Mmm-hmm. So anyway…that was pretty much our entire night until I told him to kiss me.”

“You told him to kiss you?” Jenna asks.

“Yeah. I mean, I could tell he wanted to, and I had been thinking about it for a while, so I just helped him along a little bit.”

“And?” She pushes.

“I…he was as gentle and passionate as he could be and then turned me down when I invited him back to my place. So, there you have it. That’s how the date went.” I shove my inventory papers back into my desk and sink into my chair in a huff. “Wait…it’s Sunday. What the hell are you even doing here today? You never work on Sundays.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Jenna waves her hands, dismissing my question. “Are you upset because he didn’t come home with you? Is that what your pissy mood is all about? Poor Linda didn’t get laid last night?” Jenna follows me to my desk and sits on the edge, waiting for my response. “And I’m here to get some paperwork done for corporate before we have to start working on holiday shit and I lose track of it. Bethy wasn’t available today since I needed her yesterday. No biggie. Now answer my question.”

I throw up my hands in frustration. “I looked hot, Jizz! I even wore that purple sweater dress that you like to borrow. It fit tight in all the right places and I know he was enjoying the show.”

Jenna snorts. “The show.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, irritated.

“Are you even listening to yourself, Linda?”

“What did I say?” What the hell is her problem? Why is she making such a big deal about this? I don’t even want to be talking about it!

“Okay, let me see if I have this all correct. Stop me if I’m wrong.” She starts counting off on her fingers. “You met him at the pub wearing your sexy purple dress looking as hot as a whorehouse on dollar night, you had great conversation all throughout the night, you danced, you snuggled with him and he kissed you?” The tone in her voice rises and she raises her eyebrows watching for my response.

“Yeah,” I mumble as quietly as possible.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear that. What did you say?” She teases.

“I said yes. Yes, to all those things, yes,” I shout. “But…”

Jenna raises her pointer finger at my face. “No buts…Linda, what happened to you last night was a perfectly normal date and it sounds to me like it went splendidly well. Don’t brush it off like it was nothing just because he didn’t treat you like a piece of meat. I know that’s what you’re used to, but Jacoby warned you that you didn’t know Jack. Perhaps this is what he meant. Not every guy wants to jump in the sack after talking for an hour, you know.”

“Huh. And here I thought they just liked to pick up innocent women off the side of the road and take them back to their Jacked-Up garage to get it on.” I reply snidely, making reference to her relationship with Jacoby.

“Shut up. That was totally different and you know it,” she retorts.

“Yeah, well, you got laid, didn’t you?”

“Why does everything have to be about sex with you?” Jenna asks.

“Because I like sex! I haven’t gotten laid in several weeks, and I was practically performing a mating dance for him last night, but he didn’t bite! Not even a little!”

“That’s called being a classy guy, Linda! Stop taking your panties off for every person with a penis who walks by you! You’re better than that! You’re beautiful and you’re intelligent and you deserve a good guy with his head on straight to treat you like a damn queen!”

Clearly, I’m not going to win here. Ninety-eight percent of me knows Jenna is right. Jack isn’t a bad guy at all. He’s definitely not like other guys I’ve gone out with. He’s different. Not a bad different, just, different.

“You like him,” Jenna claims.

I shrug. “I don’t know.”

“Shut up. You like him.”

“He hasn’t called me yet,” I argue.

“A-ha! See? You’re keeping track, which means you like him.” Jenna pushes off from my desk and skips to the door. “I need to get some more work done. I just needed to confirm that you like him and that last night didn’t end in disaster. There’s hope for you yet Linda!”

“I hate you.” I tell her as she leaves the room.

“I love you too, Babe. I’ll put some batteries behind the counter for you to pick up on your way out!” she shouts over her shoulder.

“I hate you even more now!” I laugh loudly.

Chapter 4

JACK

“Come on, Sampson. It’s cold out here.” I tug on Sampson’s leash a little bit in hopes that it will hurry him along. Old dogs are stubborn, though, and there are enough pets that do their business around here that Sampson feels the urge to smell out every single spot and mark it with his own piss signature.

How do they always have more in there?

Finally, we turn back to the apartment building, hustling back against the unrelenting wind. We make it inside and head up the stairs to my floor where we come face to face with my neighbor, Gabby, stepping out of her apartment. “Hey, Jack,” she says, her eyes giving me a once-over. “How was your date last night?”

“I never said it was a date,” I tell her. “Just met a friend for drinks.”

“Uh huh.” She winks.

“What would make you think I was on a date?”

Gabby shrugs. “Because you didn’t come home until after midnight, and you were on cloud nine. I saw you through the window.”

“Oh.” I don’t want to tell her she was right, but I also have the urge to ask her a question. She’s the only other female I sort of know. She has to be good for something. “Yeah, you got me. It was actually a first date.”

“See? I told you!” She beams. “That’s great! Did it go well?”

“Yeah.” My smile is a dead giveaway. I need to work on my control. “Yeah, it went really well. Uh…actually, can I ask you a question?”

“Fire away, Jack.”

“She gave me her number, but didn’t ask for mine. That’s normal, right?”

Gabby smirks. “Ah, she’s put the ball in your court I see. Yeah, that’s normal. She wants you to call her or she wouldn’t have given you her number. You should totally give her a call.”

“Right. Okay. Sooo…when?”

“When what?” Gabby asks, scrunching her eyebrows.

“When should I call her? I mean, is today too soon? Should I wait a few days? Should I have called her already?”

“Ooooh…you’re new to this dating thing, huh?” Gabby smiles.

“Well…” I shrug, trying to be nonchalant…and failing. “I just don’t want to mess this up. She was a really nice girl and I would very much like to see her again.”

“She’s a lucky girl, Jack.” Gabby gives me the once-over again. “No, it’s not too late. Calling her sometime today would be a great idea.”

“What if…”

“What if what?” she asks.

“What if…I knew where she worked and knew I could stop by and say hello. Is that too creepy?”

I mean Jacoby did it and it worked out okay.

“No, it’s not creepy at all…unless you’re sneaking around trying to make sure she doesn’t notice you. That’s creepy.” She laughs. “Take some flowers or something. Sweep her off her feet. She’ll like it, I promise.”

“Hmm…maybe I’ll do that.” Sampson grunts at my feet. “I should get him inside. Thanks, Gabby. Thanks for the advice.”

“Anytime Jack. You know where I live. I’ll see you around.” She smiles and then turns to go down the steps and out of the building.

Since I haven’t gotten in touch with Linda yet today, I decide that maybe stopping by The Hole Punch might be nice. Hopefully she won’t think it’s too unoriginal of me to show up there since meeting girls at The Hole Punch is Jacoby’s M.O.. Maybe if I bring flowers it’ll give me bonus points. Girls like flowers, right?

***

I must look like a complete weirdo walking into an office supply store on a Sunday evening with a bouquet of flowers in my hand. It’s okay though. I can’t wait to see her smile. I enter the store carrying my large bouquet of yellow, red, and white lilies with whatever the long flowers are that are accompanying them.

“Can I help you?” asks an older lady standing at the check-out counter, smiling as if these flowers are for her. I almost feel guilty that I’m going to disappoint her.

“Jack?” Jenna walks down the aisle right in front of me, her mouth hanging open in surprise.

“Jenna!” I smile giving her as much of a hug as I can give her holding this huge vase of flowers. “How are you?”

She chuckles, looking at the flowers I have. “I’m great. And I’m pretty sure those aren’t for me.”

“Uhhh…no. But after last night, I’m pretty sure you know why I’m here,” I say bashfully. I had no idea when I met Linda that she was Jenna’s best friend. And since I never spoke about my online conversations with Jacoby, I never put two and two together.

“I sure as hell DO know why you’re here. Those are stunning, Jack! Come on, let’s go put them in the office and we’ll surprise Linda. She’s always pulling pranky shit on me. This will be great.” She hustles off to the office on the other side of the store. I follow quickly behind, noticing the eyes of customers and associates that follow me and my huge vase of flowers.

“Linda’s finishing up counting a few drawers. It’s almost time to close. You made it just in time. Sooo…tell me!” She gives me a small slug on the arm as I set the flowers down on the desk in front of me. “You just went out with my best friend and I didn’t even get to be part of putting you guys together! How did it go?”

“She’s great.” I shake my head. “She’s a breath of fresh air. She’s spunky. She’s un-filtered. She’s natural. She’s not afraid to be herself. I love all those things. We had a lot of fun last night. Well…I guess I should say I had a lot of fun last night. We haven’t really talked yet since she had to work.”

“Oh, trust me,” Jenna says reassuringly. “She had a great time too.” She giddily claps her hands. “Eeek!! I’m so excited for you guys! She needs a good guy like you.”

“You think so? She really had fun?” I can’t believe I’m feeling so insecure all of a sudden.

“Oh yeah. I know she did. I’ll call her in here. Wait till she sees these flowers! Wow!” She picks up the phone on the desk.

“Hey. I need you in the office when you’re done in there, okay?” I watch as Jenna rolls her eyes and smiles, winking at me. “No, it’s not about Mr. Seymore. Just stop in here when you’re done. Yeah, okay.” She puts the phone down and laughs. “She’ll be in in a minute.”

“Hey, Congratulations on your fashion show! I talked to Jacoby a little this morning and he told me what was up. I guess really, congratulations to both of you are in order, huh?”

Jenna beams. “Yeah! Thank you! It was an awesome day with a perfect ending. There will definitely be a lot of excitement in the coming months. Lots to do and lots to think about.”

“Well, with Jacoby by your side, you can’t go wrong.” I take a huge breath trying to relieve the anxiety that’s ripping through me. Not the tiny bit of anxiety I have about my best friend possibly moving away, but that feeling in my stomach that says I’m about to lay eyes on the girl of my dreams once again. What if she doesn’t want to see me here? What if when she said she hates roses, she meant she hates all flowers? Maybe I shouldn’t have gone so big.

“Relax,” Jenna says, watching me. “She’s going to flip. Guys don’t ever pay her this kind of attention. It’s refreshing.”

I lean against the inside wall of the office as we wait, contemplating why guys aren’t throwing themselves at Linda’s feet. She’s a gorgeous woman with a strong, compassionate head on her shoulders. Any guy would be lucky to have her. I just don’t quite understand why Jenna says guys don’t pay this kind of attention to her. They had to have been assholes, all of them.

“Oh, my God, Jizz!” Linda says before entering the room. She must be in the hallway. “It smells like old people in here. I’m pretty sure I’m allergic. It’s gross.” From across the room I see Jenna’s eyes grow huge as she tries to shake her head “no” when Linda walks in the room, but it’s too late. Linda turns around and gasps in surprise, staring at me.

“Linda…” Jenna quickly tries to step in. “Jack brought you these beautiful flowers and stopped by to say hello. Aren’t they gorgeous?”

She doesn’t like them.

“It’s okay.” I say to Jenna, waving my hand. “I knew they were too much, I’m sorry Lin…”

“NO!” Linda shouts, covering her mouth with her hand and then giggling in reaction to herself. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to shout. What I meant to say was, ‘Yes, they’re beautiful!’ What are you doing here?”

I tilt my head ready to call her bluff. “You said they smell like old people.”

“Um, they’re lilies. Lilies smell like funeral homes which, in turn, means old people. Trust me I’m not wrong, but that doesn’t mean they’re ugly.”

I narrow my eyes at Linda’s explanation. “So, you’re saying in my attempt to bring you something pretty to put a smile on your face, I’ve instead successfully made you think of old dead people in funeral homes?”

“Is this you, going all lawyer-y on me?” she asks with a flirtatious smile.

“It’s Sunday. I don’t lawyer on Sundays.” I wink.

“Uh-huh. That’s what I thought.” Linda turns toward Jenna. “Jizz, this is,”

“Jack Schmidt,” Jenna says, shaking her head. “Yeah, we’ve met. More than once, actually.”

“Right…yeah. Okay.” Linda nods, turning back to me. “Jack, the flowers really are beautiful. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to keep them,” I assure her.

“Shut up. Of course, I’m keeping them.” She beams. “I can’t even remember the last time someone brought me flowers. I’m not even positive it’s ever happened, so who the hell cares what they smell like. I’m really sorry I said all that shit about old people. You probably think I’m a pissy bitch…” She’s rambling...it’s cute. “But then again, I warned you of that a long time ago and you persisted anyway sooo…”

“So now you’re saying it’s my fault if I don’t like that the flowers make you think of old dead people.” I tell her, understanding full well where she’s headed.

“Yes. Exactly.” She points to me. “Glad you get my logic.”

“Well I only chose them because you told me you didn’t like roses.”

Jenna gasps. “What the fuck, Linda! You love ro…”

“Ahhh-dah-dah-da-dah.” Linda covers my mouth with her hand. “You’re right, Jack. I did say that. I’m impressed that you remembered.” She nods her head toward the bouquet on the desk. “So why is there a single red rose in the middle of those lilies?”

“Because I was trying to be funny,” I admit. “Clearly the overwhelming dead people smell ruined my attempt at humor.” I step over to the desk and pull the long stemmed red rose from the bouquet holding it out for Linda to take.

“Linda,” I smirk. “Will you accept this rose…and go out with me again?”

“Awwmm!” Jenna sighs with her mouth still covered. Her big round puppy-dog eyes are watching Linda and me.

Linda tries to hold back a smile but fails miserably. She reaches out and takes the rose, sniffs it and says to me, “Okay. I guess the stupid shows aren’t that bad. Yes, Jack. I would love to go out with you again. I accept this rose…but only because it’s the best smelling flower of the bunch.”

I throw my head back in laughter. “That’s enough for me. I just needed you to say yes.”

God, I want to kiss her.

I want to wrap my arms around her like I did last night and kiss her senseless.

But she’s working. That would be unprofessional.

Jenna removes Linda’s hand from her mouth. “Why don’t you two get out of here? It’s already six and I can close the store.”

“Yeah?” I ask her a little too excitedly. “Are you sure? I mean…” I stop myself. “I mean, only if Linda wants to.”

“I’ve closed a thousand times for this bitch,” Linda says. “She owes me, and I’m hungry. What did you have in mind?”

“Uhh…” I try to come up with an idea quickly since I honestly didn’t expect her to say yes. “Pizza and a beer? Marvel conspiracy theories?”

Linda turns to Jenna, who mirrors Linda’s larger than life smile. “Congratulations, Jack,” Jenna says. “You just spoke Linda’s language. Now get out of here. Have a fun night, guys.”

“Thanks, Jizz,” Linda says, grabbing her coat from the hook on the wall and her purse from the desk. “I’ll text you later.”

“Later.” Jenna waves as we step out of the office.

“Do you mind if I stop at my place quickly so I can change? I would rather not be in work clothes all night,” she explains.

“Not at all. Linda?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you call her Jizz?”  I ask.

Chapter 5

Linda

I read a quote somewhere that says, ‘Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.’ After a few weeks of getting to know Jack online, followed by several great dates, I’m starting to think that quote could be true. Sometimes I lay in bed and wonder if fate is real and if it took me all these years, several bad booty calls, and an app on my phone to finally meet someone I consider to be a catch. And how the hell did I get lucky enough for him to choose me? My time with Jack has been one enjoyable moment after another. Walks through the park, movies, making out like teenagers, talks on the phone until neither of us can stay awake. I can’t remember feeling this alive in a long time.

“So, what are your plans for Thanksgiving?” I ask Jack. We’re on our way to Jacoby’s place to hang out with him and Jenna for the evening. I’m guessing that means a night of beer, and Euchre or Poker. Either way, we’ll be in great company.

“Well, usually my family does a big thing for Thanksgiving, but this year my parents are in Europe for the month so I guess it’ll just be me and Sampson.”

“Bull shit,” I tell him. “You’re not going to do Thanksgiving by yourself. I don’t have any plans, so why don’t we do something together?”

Jack ponders my words for a moment and then looks over to me in excitement. “I’ve never been to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.”

“WHAT?!” I shout at his insinuation. “Are you crazy? You really want to go to New York City on what is probably their busiest or second busiest day of the year?”

Jack shrugs, smirking. He squeezes my hand through his glove and says, “Yeah. Why not? It could be a fun adventure for us. I’m sure I could get us a nice hotel room. If the weather sucks, we’ll stay in and watch it on TV, but if it’s nice, why not? In fact, maybe we could stay for a few days and see the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting. I’ve never done that either.”

“Oooh I haven’t seen that in person either! Damn you, Jack. You’re teasing me with Christmas. I love Christmas.”

A hotel for a few days.

Alone with Jack.

“So, is that a yes?”

“Are you really serious?” I stress.

“Of course, I’m serious.” He laughs. “Why wouldn’t I be? We can take a carriage ride through Central Park, do some shopping downtown, visit the Met.”

“You had me at shopping.” I squeal. “I’m totally in. Wait, what about Sampson?”

Jack shakes his head, unworried. “I have a couple people that could watch after him for me for a few days.”

“Oh, my gosh! We’re going to New York City for Thanksgiving? This is going to be incredible! I can’t wait to tell Jizz!” I beam. “And now, thanks to you, I should be a kick-ass poker player tonight!”

“Why? What did I do??” Jack inquires.

“Nothing! But now I’m so giddy excited that Jacoby won’t know if I’m bluffing or I’m just happy!”

“HA!” Jack exclaims. “Then let’s go kick some ass!”

***

“I’ll bet…” I grab a handful of colored chips and push them to the middle of the table. “This much.”

“You know,” Jacoby smirks. “If we were really playing for money you just bet over three hundred and twenty dollars.”

I meet Jacoby’s eye from across the table and shrug playfully. “Does that scare you?” Jack and Jenna both chuckle, watching our banter.

“Not at all, Darlin’,” Jacoby answers as he pushes a bigger pile than mine to the middle of the table. “I’ll see your three hundred and twenty-five and raise you…that many,” he says, mocking me as he drops an extra pile of colored chips in the middle of the table. “That’s an extra one hundred and fifty dollars by the way.”

“Uh huh. Okay.” I smile and study my cards with narrowed eyes as if I don’t already know that I’m holding the winning hand.

“Well I fold,” Jack says. “That’s way too rich for me.”

“Me too.” Jenna lays her cards down on the table. “You guys have at it.”

“So, let’s see it then, Mr. Jacked-Up-Rich-Guy,” I tease, winking at Jacoby. He lays his cards down in front of him, showing an impressive hand.

“Straight flush, sweetheart. Let’s see you beat that.” He sits back and takes a chug from his beer bottle, so proud of himself for beating the little lady.

“Well, I’m not sure if it’s anything really, but I have all these cards here that are in order and oh…would you look at that…they’re the same suit too, so, I don’t know, Mr. Jacked-Up, but I’m pretty sure I just royally flushed you.” I wink again.

“Bitch.” Jacoby laughs. “Who taught you to play poker?”

I laugh with him feeling proud that I just kicked his ass. “My Grandmother actually.”

“No kidding?” he says.

“Yeah. We used to spend New Year’s Eve with her every year growing up. She taught us to play poker with all the pennies she had saved up throughout the year and then at the end of the night we got to keep the pennies. Those were some of the best memories I have of my time with her before she passed away.”

“She obviously taught you well, but you’re still a bitch.” He winks.

“Hey now.” Jack pretends to fight for my honor. “That’s my girl you’re talking about.”

His girl. I like that sound of that.

Chapter 6

Linda

Today feels like it might have been the longest day at work I’ve had in a while. As much as I love the Christmas holiday, I hate how early we have to set up for all those looming Black Friday deals in the store, and I can’t stand that the piped in music includes I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas at least once every hour. Jack and I were supposed to go out tonight, but I texted earlier and asked if he would mind a relaxing night in, instead. He suggested a Netflix binge, and just a night snuggling with Sampson at his place. So, having not been to Jack’s place yet, I jumped at the chance. I’ll admit, it’s been, well, longer than I can remember since I’ve spent a relaxed evening with a guy just Netflix and….

“Wait. Did he mean Netflix, or was that code for…?” I’m pretty sure my heart rate just jumped suddenly. “Gah! If he’s wanting some action I should shower but I don’t have time! What am I going to wear?” I flail my arms around in my bedroom trying not to panic. Reminding myself that I’m a strong, confident female, I make sure that I’m wearing matching bra and panties, slip into my sexiest jeans and comfortable sweatshirt, and throw my hair up in a messy bun. I reapply my deodorant and spritz myself quickly with my favorite perfume. I look out the window to see Jack’s car pulling in. I thought maybe asking him to pick me up would mean he wouldn’t want to bring me home tonight…and that might just be okay with me.

Girls are always thinking.

I grab my coat and am out the door where Jack’s smiling face welcomes me. In an ironic twist, Jack only lives a few miles from me. Funny how we’ve been talking all this time and didn’t realize we could’ve passed each other on the road so many times before without realizing it. His apartment complex is one of the more up-scale in town, which doesn’t surprise me, as he’s a lawyer.

“Not bad,” I mutter to myself as we pull in. Within seconds of me opening the car door, Jack is there helping me out and boldly taking my hand.

“I uh…I went ahead and ordered pizza for us on my way to pick you up, so it should be here soon. I’m really glad you’re here.” His semi-nervousness makes me smile. At least I know he’s being genuine. And maybe he has something exciting in mind for tonight. “You look beautiful.”

“Nah.” I shake my head, blushing. “Just comfortable. So, do I get to meet Sampson, finally?”

“Yeah! Absolutely! Come on in. He’ll need walked.”

Jack leads me hand-in-hand to the door of his building and up the stairs to his apartment. When he unlocks his apartment door the cutest looking white and brown bulldog is wagging his stump of a tail, waiting for us. Well, waiting for Jack.

“Oh, my gosh!” I squeal. “Look how adorable he is!” I crouch down so that I’m more at Sampson’s level and hold my hand out for him to sniff. Immediately he tries to jump into my lap, knocking me on my ass in the process.

“Sampson, NO!” Jack scolds but I just laugh as I rub Sampson’s body all over the place.

“Aww, it’s okay buddy. You are the sweetest little guy, aren’t you?” I say to Sampson as I rub his ears and sit up. He groans in delight at my touch. “You must not ever get any love from this guy here, huh? So neglected, you poor little thing.” I joke. Jake laughs, and watches in amazement at my comfort level with his dog.

Point for Linda!

“Do you need to go pee, buddy? Is it time for a walk?” I ask him. Jake grabs his leash from inside the door and attaches it to Sampson’s collar. We both back out of his apartment and head back downstairs with my new furry friend.

“Sorry he’s all over you. I don’t have visitors very often other than my mom and dad, and Jacoby.”

“Are you kidding? I love dogs! I’ve always wanted a bulldog or a basset hound, but my dad was always a big retriever kind of guy,” I explain.  “Where did you get Sampson?”

“A divorcing couple actually.” He shrugs.

“Hahaha is that your fee? I’ll do your paperwork, you buy me a dog?” I tease.

“Good try, but no.” He laughs with me. “This couple was divorcing a couple years ago and their son was allergic to him anyway. Neither of them wanted to keep the dog because they feared they wouldn’t get custody of their son if they did, so I offered to take him. He’s been the best furry friend a guy could ask for ever since.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet of you. Really.” I touch Jack’s arm gently.

“Yeah. It was the least I could do. Dogs are my weakness. I can’t ever say no,” he responds. “Come on buddy, you all done? Let’s get out of the cold.” Jack tugs on Sampson’s leash slightly and we watch as Sampson proudly trots back into the building and right up the stairs to Jack’s apartment. When we reach the top of the stairs there’s a girl standing there waiting for her turn to walk down. I only take a minute to look at her, but a minute is all I need to see that she’s Barbie Doll gorgeous. Her thin, lean body is wrapped tightly in yoga pants and a bright pink sports bra that only just holds her ladies in. I watch as Jack looks at her and then looks away quickly.

Uh huh. I know you saw them too, buddy.

“Jack!” she exclaims. “How are you?”

“Gabby.” He nods quietly. “Fine, thank you. And you?”

“Fantastic. Just about to get a work-out in.” She looks me over from top to bottom. “And who is this with you this evening? I didn’t know you had a sister.”

A what?

“Gabby, this is Linda. She’s not my sister, she’s my…” He doesn’t finish his sentence which makes me feel a little awkward. I’m not sure how he would want me to finish that sentence either but I try my best for him.

“Girlfriend,” I say, probably a little too loudly. I throw my hand out to shake the woman’s hand, nice and firm too. None of that limp-fish shit that other women do. “I’m his girlfriend. My name is Linda. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

It’s not really. She’s too pretty for me to like her.

“Awww look at you guys. I’m so glad your first date went so well!” She winks at Jack who is only staring at me. Clearly there’s something to her statement that I’m just not privy to. “Well don’t let me keep you.” She waves her hand. “I’m off to the gym. You two have a fun night.” Giggling she adds, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Who the heck is that?” I say to Jack when we’re behind closed doors.

“That’s Gabby. She’s uhh…how do I even explain her?” He shakes his head, distracted.

“No explanation needed, I don’t think,” I tell him. “I read her like a book the moment she looked at me. Geeze.”

“Yeah, don’t let her bother you. She’s like that with everyone and you said you were my girlfriend.” He cuts to the chase, stepping toward me. Watching me.

“What?”

“My girlfriend. You told her you were my girlfriend,” he repeats.

“I…I’m sorry.” I shake my head. “You didn’t finish your sentence and it was a little awkward and…quite frankly, I didn’t want to give her any satisfaction so I…”

“Told her you were my girlfriend,” he finishes, stepping even closer to me.

“Yeah.” I focus on inhaling and exhaling as he steps even closer still, invading my personal space. I’m not holding that against him. He smells good.

“I haven’t had a girlfriend in a long time,” he whispers.

“Uh huh.” I swallow, watching him.

“And you’re…beautiful.”

Sampson whines at our feet.

“Okay. Should I be scared that you might attack me, or were you just wanting to kiss me, or am I totally misreading you right now?” I ask, almost fearful of his intentions.

“I would give anything to be able to kiss you right now.” He breathes.

I smile, endearingly and admittedly, relieved. “Then what are you waiting for, silly?”

“Permission,” he says.

“Granted.” I whisper before his lips lock with mine in a soft but hungry kiss. His hands splay across my back, pulling me into his warm body. I reach up on my tip toes to get closer to him, placing my hands gently on both sides of his face. He’s the sweetest kisser I’ve ever known. His kiss doesn’t scream lust or carnal desire like I’m used to. Instead, when our lips move together I feel emotions I’ve never really thought about before. I feel wanted. I feel appreciated. I feel cared for.

DING DONG!

I feel interrupted.

Our lips separate and our eyes open, and for a moment we stare at each other, taking in what we had to have both felt.

“That’s the pizza guy,” Jack finally says, smirking.

“Good. I’m starving.” I lick my lips seductively to let him know that it’s not just pizza I’m hungry for. I want that kissy lovey-dovey feeling back.

Jack buzzes the pizza man in and meets him at the top of the steps. Within minutes we’re situated on the living room floor with Sampson at our feet, a pizza and beer on the coffee table in front of us, and the beginning of Captain America: Civil War – my favorite so far – playing on the TV.  I haven’t felt this content in a long time.

***

“Do you mind if I use your bathroom?” I ask Jack when the movie is over.

“Not at all. It’s just down the hall on the right. If you don’t mind, I’ll take Sampson out while you’re in there?”

“Perfectly fine.” I rub Sampson’s head quickly and stand up.

“Okay. Be right back,” he tells me. “Come on Sampson.”

I make my way to the bathroom which is pristinely white with dark – almost black – cupboards. The yellow towels hanging from the towel rack add just the right amount of color splash to the very masculine room. It’s almost unbelievable how clean it is. I’ve seen enough other guys’ bathrooms to know that this is not the norm. It even smells clean. When I inhale, I panic for a moment as the scent of lemons wafts through my nose. I don’t know why God chose me to have the weirdest allergy known to man, or woman, but I’m highly allergic to lemons and lemon-scented things. I look around for any sort of Glade Plug-In or something that I can unplug but don’t see anything. I can feel my throat burn with every breath I take, so I try to slow my breathing. Knowing I could easily walk out of here, but for the fact that I really need to pee, I reach in my jeans pocket for my inhaler.

“Shit! I didn’t bring it.”

I was in such a hurry to get out of there after work I didn’t even think about it.

“Stay calm. No big deal.” I assure myself. The window on the opposite wall is closed, so I step across the room and open the window the entire way in hopes that it will help dilute the lemon smell. I do my business as fast as I can, holding my breath and praying that I don’t break out in hives. As soon as I’m done, I flush and wash my hands and bolt out of the bathroom, closing the door a behind me.

Why do I have to be allergic to a guy’s clean bathroom?

While Jack and Sampson are still outside, I take a minute to look around the kitchen. I open a few cupboards, looking for a glass to get some water to settle the burn in my chest, and chuckle to myself when I see a few Star Wars collector’s glasses sitting on one particular shelf. Deciding not to drink from them in case they’re extra special, I grab a plain glass from the shelf and fill it with water from the sink, and gulp it down before filling it up again.

When the apartment door opens, I hear the cute grunty pants from Sampson as he quickly finds me in the kitchen.

“I hope you don’t mind.” I hold up my glass when Jack walks in. “I wanted a quick drink of water.”

“Not at all.” Jack nods. “But used the Yoda glass you should have,” he says in the most impressive Yoda voice.

I laugh. “Wow! That was pretty good. I’m impressed!”

“Told you I was a nerd.” Jack chuckles softly.

“A cute nerd, though.” I bite my lip, watching him as he bends down to pet Sampson. We watch together as Sam tromps out of the room and plops down on his dog bed in the corner of the living room.

“Well, now what?” Jack asks. “Another movie?”

“Umm, sure. But do we get a kiss break first because I’m sort of going through withdrawal, and you smell good.” I explain as I scratch an itch on my lower lip.

“I thought you would never ask.” Jack exhales. He backs me up slowly against the counter and leans in to press his lips to mine.  The tingling sensation that goes through my body every time his lips touch mine is one I happily welcome. His movements are slow and calculated at first but the longer our kiss continues, the more exploratory we both become. Soon we’re all hands and tongues and moans and groans as he sets my body on fire.

Scratch that.

Something else is setting my body on fire. I feel the itch first on the back of my thigh so I try to scratch it without letting on that anything is wrong. With any luck, we can continue this make out session and the itchy feeling will go away. I’ve been out of the bathroom long enough now, it shouldn’t be a problem. My other thigh begins to tingle too, but it’s harder for me to reach that arm down to scratch it.

Ugh. Just my luck!

I try my absolute best to ignore it but I can’t. In an attempt to give myself the opportunity to scratch the growing itch, I lift up my right leg and wrap it as high as I can around Jack’s leg.

He’s been such a gentleman all night and now here I am going all hussy on him, but I need to scratch my leg before I scream. Thank God, Jack moans in pleasure and answers my need. He wraps his hands under my butt and lifts me onto the counter. I quickly throw my hand down to scratch my leg as he does so, but it doesn’t help.

This cannot be happening.

I try to squirm a little bit on the counter hoping it will seem like I’m really into this make-out session, when in reality I’m just trying to add some friction between my ass cheeks that are now on fire and the jeans that I’m wearing. If I squirm anymore though, he’ll think I’m trying to dry hump him and that’s just lame. We’re way too old for dry-humping.

Jack trails kisses across my neck to the feel-good spot every girl has behind her ear, but instead of focusing on how good it should feel, all I can do is feverishly tell myself to ignore the itch.

It’ll go away. Don’t scratch.

It’ll go away. Don’t scratch.

It’ll go away. Don’t scratch.

It has to go away.

Shit.

I can’t feel my lips.

My hand flies to my lips where I poke a few times with my finger but I feel nothing!

Oh no!

My lips are swollen, and I can’t feel my cheeks, and it’s getting harder to breathe, and I’m not sure I can control the panic much longer.

“You okay?” Jack says in his softest, most gentleman-like protective tone. I hate that I have to disappoint him, but I don’t have a choice now.

“Jack,” I say with a heavy breath that sounds like a mix of Scarlett Johansen and Harvey Fierstein. “I’m hawing an awergic weaction.”

Jack stops kissing my neck for a minute before pulling back to look at me. “What did you say?”

“The wight, Jack. Turn on the wight. I’m hawing an awergic weaction.” I try to take in a deep breath but I can’t. The backs of my thighs feel like they’re burning and I can’t figure out what’s happening to me. Jack backs up from me, not understanding what I said, and I seize the opportunity to jump down and turn on the kitchen light.

“Oh, my God! Linda!” Jack exclaims and then quickly tries to compose himself. It’s too late though. Clearly, I’m a swollen hot mess. “What’s happening? Are you okay?”

“NO! I’m now okay! Wemons! I’m awergic to wemons! Do you haw wemons in here?” I hastily unzip my jeans and throw my hands down the back of my pants, embarrassed beyond belief but needing to relieve myself from the pain, and itch of whatever rash is showing up on my legs.

“Linda, I can’t understand what you’re saying. Your face…it’s so…swollen. I think you’re having an allergic reaction. Oh, shit.” He throws his hand to his forehead. “Are you allergic to pizza and didn’t want to tell me?”

“NO!” I shake my head fiercely, trying to rip my legs apart with my fingernails. “Wemons! I’m wery awergic to wemons!”

“To what?” he asks, shaking his head again.

“Wemons!”

“Women?”

“Wem-ons!”

He tilts his head, obviously not hearing me. “Weapons?”

“WEMONS!” I shout, flailing my arms.

“I can’t understand you,” he says regretfully. Quickly I pull open every single drawer in the kitchen until I find one with a pen inside. I throw off the cap and write on my hand to show him the word ‘Lemons’.

“WEMONS!!!”

“You’re allergic to lemons?” he says, reading my palm.

“YES!! Ba-woom smews wike wemons!” I shout pointing down the hall.

“The bathroom. Lemons.” Jack thinks for a minute and then throws his hands on his head. “Shit! Yeah! I cleaned with lemon scented Clorox wipes!”

“The toywet?” I ask almost in tears.

“Toilet?” he repeats. When I nod at him he responds, “Yeah. Yeah, I cleaned the whole thing with them. And…fuck…I do my dishes with lemon scented Dawn! Are you allergic to that too, because unless you licked the toilet…”

I’m too panicked to justify his comment. “YES! I’m awergic to aww kinds ow wemons!”

“I…I just read a while back that lemons are great for cleaning. That’s why I used that stuff…Oh, God. Linda! I’m so sorry. I didn’t know,” he pleads.

No wonder my ass and thighs are so itchy. The minute I sat down to pee my skin connected with all the fucking lemon-scented chemicals and now here I am with the world’s itchiest ass rash. I took a drink from a glass washed in lemon scented dish soap and now my lips feel like they’ll forever be a maximized version of the lips of Angelina Jolie.

“Jack.” I point to my chest, taking in a deep breath through my mouth, tears forming in my eyes. “Can’t bweethe.”

“What can I do?” He hopelessly looks around as if something might come to mind. “Do you have an Epi-pen or something?”

“No,” I cry. “I wef it ah home.” I pull my cell phone out of my back pocket and dial 9-1-1 and then hand the phone to Jack. He takes one look at it and looks at me in horror while he waits for the call to connect.

“Yes. My girlfriend is having a severe allergic reaction and can’t breathe. No, she doesn’t have an Epi-pen with her. She said she left it at home. Please, she needs help.”

Chapter 7

Jack

I must be cursed. There’s no other explanation for why every single time I’m interested in a girl, something goes wrong. All I wanted to do was have a comfortable evening with Linda, and instead I’ve landed her in the Emergency Room praying she wouldn’t go into anaphylactic shock on the way there. Thanks to the EMS team coming to her aid with a dose of epinephrine she’s at least resting as comfortably as can be. The excitement of the evening, coupled with the last hour of nurses, doctors, needles, blood tests, and injected medicines, finally took its toll on Linda. She fell asleep about twenty minutes ago. Not knowing who else to contact, I used Linda’s phone to text Jenna and let her know what was going on. She rushed here within minutes of my contact.

Besties for life I guess.

“You okay?” she whispers to me. We’re both seated in chairs at the side of Linda’s bed watching her sleep.

I shrug, feeling a little defeated. “I don’t know if Jacoby has ever told you, but I don’t have the best luck with women.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Jenna waves her hand. “Are you seriously trying to take the fault for this?”

“It is my fault. I never in a million years thought to ask her about allergies,” I explain.

“Nope.” She shakes her head and gives me her best you’re-full-of-shit smile. “I can understand maybe thinking about peanut allergies…or even dog allergies or something that many people have…but lemons? No way. Who would ever think ‘hey, maybe I shouldn’t use this lemon scented soap because the girl I like might possibly be allergic’? Nobody, that’s who. This isn’t your fault, Jake.” She chuckles. “Linda is a strong woman but for some God forsaken reason, lemons are her kryptonite. She can’t even be anywhere near our cleaning aisle because of possible lemon scents. It’s ridiculous, but it’s also something she’s lived with forever. It’s a part of her so she probably doesn’t think to tell new people about it, you know?”

“Yeah. I guess.” I mumble, watching Linda’s chest rise and fall as she sleeps.

Jenna and I see the curtain move slightly before Jacoby peeks his head in.

“Hey, man.” I nod to him and stand up as he steps inside our curtained-off area.

“Hey,” Jacoby answers. He looks around for a moment before stepping over to give a kiss to Jenna. “What happened?”

“Schmidt happened.” I tell him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jacoby snickers.

“I’m cursed, man. Look at her.” I extend my arm in Linda’s direction. “I did that to her. That’s worse than my date with Destiny. Even more so because I care about her.”

Jenna looks at me like I’m full of shit before telling Jacoby, “She had an allergic reaction.”

“To what?” Jacoby asks.

“Lemons.” Jenna tries to hide her smile but I see the corner of her mouth curve up.

“Dude,” Jacoby puts his hand on my shoulder. “I’m pretty sure you didn’t personally do this to her. Did she ever tell you that she had a severe allergy[NL8] of any kind?”

“No.”

“Then how the hell would you ever be expected to know? She’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. You’ll both be fine.” He emphasizes ‘both’. “I’m pretty sure – knowing Linda – she’s not going to hold this against you.”

“If I were her, I would run and never look back,” I mutter.

“Shut your pie hole.” Jacoby slaps me on my upper arm.

“Jizz?” We all turn toward Linda’s bed to see her lying there with her eyes open.

“Hey, Linds.” Jenna leans over the opposite side of the bed from where I’m standing[NL9] with Jacoby. “How are you feeling?”

Linda looks around the room at all of us, clearly a little befuddled. “Groggy, but I’m okay. What are you guys doing…here?” Her cheeks are still slightly puffy and though she speaks slowly, she can at least speak more clearly than she could a couple hours ago.

“What do you mean ‘what are we doing here’? We’re all here for you. Jack was worried about you, so he called me.” I swallow the knot in my throat as Linda’s tired eyes meet mine. Not knowing what to say, I opt to say nothing and smile weakly at her.

“Jack.” She reaches her hand out for me.

I lock eyes with Jenna and Jacoby before stepping forward to take Linda’s hand. I’m not even sure what to say.

“Hey,” I whisper softly.

“I am so sorry, Jack,” she whimpers.

“What? No, no, no. There is no need for you to apologize.” I rub my thumb across her hand a few times, my heart breaking into pieces at the thought of her needing to feel apologetic. “This wasn’t your fault. If I had known I would’ve…cleaned with onions, or gasoline, or maybe even raw fish.” I smile at her, trying to diffuse any tension between us.

“Or lilies?” She smirks, but I can only barely see it behind her puffy cheeks. I laugh anyway because she got me there.

“Ooh touché. I’m glad you’re laughing now though.” I kiss her forehead, my lips lingering against her skin probably longer than I should. “You scared me back there.”

She squeezes my hand. “Thank you for helping me.”

“I would do anything for you,” I tell her. She has no idea that just watching her, exhausted in her hospital bed, causes me to fall in like with her even more than I already have. I’m too afraid to admit that I might love her, because I seem to screw that all up. It’s too early to tell anyway, but I liked her when I met her and I’ve liked her more and more every time I’m with her. Even with puffy cheeks and a rashy ass, she’s angelically beautiful to me.

The curtain moves and we all watch the doctor step in. “Linda,” he announces. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Just tired,” she says slowly.

“That’ll be the medicine making you drowsy.” He flips a paper on his chart. “Blood work came out just fine, I see no severe problems. Looks like it was just a pretty good allergic reaction. Lemons, huh? I’ve seen a lot of quirky allergies in people, but you may just be the first for lemons.” He smiles and pats Linda’s knee. “Now sometimes with big reactions like this, if it’s not out of the system a reaction can come back. I’m happy to keep you here over-night for observation if you want, but if you have an Epi-pen at home…”

“I do.” Linda responds quickly. I can’t help but smile, understanding her lack of excitement over spending the night in a hospital.

“Okay. Then as long as you have that, then I could be okay sending you home to rest. I certainly don’t recommend that you drive though, and if you live alone, it might be good to have someone with you for the night, just in case.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Linda says.

“My pleasure. Let me get this paperwork filed and a nurse will be in to discharge you. Oh, and she’ll bring you a Benadryl creme for the rash. It’ll help calm it down so you don’t have any flare-ups. Do call into the emergency room if you start to feel like something isn’t right in the next ten hours or so, okay?”

“Yes. Okay. I promise.” She squeezes my hand again. I’m not sure why, so I squeeze back gently to let her know I’m here for her.

“I’m happy to drive you home if you…”

“Yes, please.” She cuts me off. “Do you think…” She stops for a minute and looks at Jenna who only smiles back and nods.

Was that un-articulated girl-talk that just happened?

Do they have their own language?

“Will you stay with me tonight, Jack?”

Wait, what?

“Me?” My eyes slide toward Jenna as well, who winks at me from the other side of the bed. Jacoby simply raises his eyebrows awaiting my response. “Yeah. Yes, of course, I’ll stay with you. Anything you need.”

“Sampson too? I wouldn’t want you to leave him at home.”

“Sure. I just need to pick up his travel bag, his pajamas, his toothbrush…” I tease.

Jacoby laughs and takes Jenna’s hand. “I think we can cover that. Sam likes a good car ride. We’ll go pick him up for you and bring him over.”

Jenna gasps excitedly. “I get to meet Sampson? Eeeek! I can’t wait! Let’s go now! Linda, we’ll meet you at your place okay?”

Pretending to be offended, Linda responds, “You just chose a dog over your bestie?”

“Umm, sweetheart, you just chose a man to stay with you tonight over your bestie. Karma’s a bitch.” She winks.

“Point taken.” Linda laughs. “Thank you, guys, again, for being here with me. I really appreciate it.”

“Ditto that. Thank you, Jenna. For everything,” I add.

“No problem. We’ll see you guys soon.” She smiles on their way out.

***

Within the hour Linda is discharged from the hospital, her only instruction is to rest for the night and follow up with her doctor if symptoms persist. It’s after midnight when we get to Linda’s house. Jenna and Jacoby are already here playing with Sampson inside. He greets us excitedly when we walk through the front door.

“Hey buddy!” I kneel down to pet him for a second as he sniffs the scents from the hospital all over us. “We’re going to stay here tonight and take care of our girl, okay?” Linda bends down to pet him too, and he licks her arm in response.

“Thanks guys, for bringing Sampson over.” Linda says, walking into the living room and looking around. “And for…obviously cleaning up my shit.”

“That’s what friends are for, right?” Jenna asks. “I laid a towel out for you in the bathroom, too. I figured you would want a shower.”

“Hell, yeah I do. I’m desperate to wash the hospital funk off me.”

“Go for it. We’ll sit and visit with Jack and Sam for a few minutes,” Jenna tells her.

“Do you need anything?” I ask Linda.

“No. I’m good, I think. Please make yourself at home. My casa is your casa…or however that goes.” She tries to smirk but I can tell she’s exhausted and is done with this day. “I’ll be right back.”

I watch as she walks down the hall to what I assume is her bedroom and bathroom, wishing I could be right behind her, but knowing we’re not there yet.

I’m not there yet.

Maybe someday.

“Hey Jack, I grabbed your laptop and some clothes for you. I didn’t know what you might want to have, so I grabbed what I could find,” Jacoby explains.

“Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate that. I already called and left a message at the office that I’m taking tomorrow off, so if she needs me, I’m here.” Jacoby nods in approval and when I catch Jenna’s stare, she’s smirking at me.

“What?” I ask her.

She shakes her head. “Jack, I have to tell you, so that you know, Linda never brings a guy to her house. She’s always viewed this as her private space.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“But, she’s never had anyone bend over backwards to take care of her like you have. She’s always been the caregiver. I think it’s so damn sweet of you and I’m impressed that she’s letting you in, but if she tries to give you an attitude in any way, that’s why.”

I take a minute to soak in Jenna’s words, not quite sure what to make of what she’s saying. “So, what you’re saying is she’s a female version of Jacoby?”

“Hey! Watch it, Schmidt Stain.” Jacoby smirks. He pretends to punch me in the arm but he knows I have nothing but love for him.

“Look, Jenna, I’m not here to take advantage of…”

“No, no, no…” Jenna’s hand flies up to stop me. “I know you’re not. I know you wouldn’t. That’s not what I meant. She’s just not usually the type to let her guard down, but she has with you. I can tell it already. You mean something to her. So…thanks, I guess. I’m glad she found you.”

“I think that goes both ways,” I tell her sincerely.

“Okay, let’s get out of here and let Jack and Linda relax. She’s probably going to want to sleep when she’s done with her shower. We’ll just be in the way,” Jacoby says, bending down to pet Sampson. “We’ll see you later buddy.”

“Thanks guys. I appreciate the company tonight.”

“Anytime, man. Let us know if you need anything,” Jacoby tells me. Jenna reaches up and places a kiss on my cheek.

“Tell her to text me in the morning. Let me know how she’s doing.”

“Will do.” I nod.

***

“Feeling any better?” I ask Linda as she shuffles down the hall in a pair of pink sweat pants, a long-sleeved t-shirt, and the biggest narwhal slippers I’ve ever seen. Well, actually, they’re the only narwhal slippers I’ve ever seen. I feel myself smiling at the cuteness of her, but try to reign in my emotions, remembering that she doesn’t feel great.

“Clean at least, and yeah. I do feel a bit better. I’m just exhausted. I’m sorry that I wasn’t much company for the past several hours. Lousy way to end a date, huh? That’s not usually my style.”

“Are you kidding? Seeing you like this? In your sweatpants and your amazingly cute narwhal slippers – I’m totally jealous by the way – this is very much the best kind of date. You’re you. No make-up, no fancy clothes, no stylish hair-do. It’s just the real you.”

She lifts her arms out to her sides. “What you see is what you get.”

“I like what I see,” I tell her. “I like it a lot.”

“Even with puffy lips, a splotchy face, and an ass rash that resembles a Verizon cell phone coverage map?”

“Yes. Even with all those things.” I laugh at her witty charm. “I mean, at least I know you can hear me now.”

“Very funny Jack Schmidt,” she says with a yawn. “Are you as exhausted as I am?”

“Since some of your exhaustion is stemming from the drugs you were given, I’m going to guess not, but it is after midnight. You should probably get some rest.”

“I don’t want to sleep without you,” she says. I look at her just in time to see her gasp and cover her mouth with her hand. “Oh, my God. Did I just say that out loud?”

Chuckling, I dart my eyes around the room and playfully gasp, “Or do I have a new super power?”

“Shit, I think I just word-vomited. And here I thought only Jizza did that.” She mumbles to herself.

Word-vomit.

“Uhh...I don’t follow.”

“Sorry.” She shakes her head. “It’s something I tease Jenna about, and I just did it. That bitch is rubbing off on me.” She looks nervous. Like she doesn’t know what to say next about how to approach our sleeping arrangement for the night.

“Relax. It’s okay. I don’t mind sleeping on the…”

“No, I…” She interrupts. “I’ve just…ugh, how do I say this?” She flails her arms trying to shake off her nerves and build up whatever confidence she needs to say what she wants to say. She blows out a huge breath. “Okay, here it is…”

“Okay…” I say, watching her.

“I’m a snuggle virgin.”

A laugh escapes me. “A what?”

“A snuggle virgin.”

I shake my head in confusion, afraid to laugh again. “A snuggle virgin…is that a thing? Like, a real thing?”

She lets out a huge sigh, and with the cutest puppy-dog eyes says, “I’ve never snuggled with a guy over night before. I’m the ‘Walking Vegas Strip’, remember? I’ve always been the one that…’

“Whoa!” I stop her right there. “Nope. Noppity nope. It’s okay. I don’t need to know any more.” Please don’t give me the details of any possible sexcapades with other men. “Your past is your past and I’m okay with that. But I’m going to need you to tell me what you want, because I didn’t come here to take advantage of you.”

She holds my stare for a moment. If I didn’t know better I would think her eyes are watering. “Why do you have to be so sweet?” she asks me.

I shrug. “This isn’t me trying to be overtly sweet. It’s just who I am.” I watch her soak in my words as she does that sideways thing with her mouth again. It’s her cutest expression because I can tell she’s thinking hard. “What’s bothering you? What are you thinking about?”

“You’re really great.”

“Umm, thanks?” What do I say to that? “Is that bad?”

“No! Of course, not. I’m just not used to really great. I’m not the girl who brings guys back home to snuggle. They usually only care about one thing.”

“I care about all the things,” I say quietly enough that she may not hear me.

“Yeah, I know, I can tell that about you, which scares the shit out of me, because I don’t know how to do this, okay?”

“Linda?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want me to lay next to you tonight? No pressures, no funny business. Just me, in the same space as you, in case you need me.”

I watch as she looks back at me with large, almost saddened eyes. “Yeah. I think that would be nice.” She nods.

“Okay, let me take Sampson out one more time and I’ll be ready.” As soon as I say his name, Sampson gets up and waddles down the hallway turning into the last door on the right. I’m guessing that’s Linda’s bedroom, since that’s where she went earlier.

“Or, maybe I’m ready now.” We chuckle together. We turn out the lights in the living room and hand-in-hand make our way down the hall and into Linda’s room. Sampson is already curled up on the shaggy blue carpet at the foot of the bed as if he sleeps there every night.  We both take care of our nighttime routines and climb into bed. Linda easily folds herself into me, with her head in the crook of my shoulder and her hand across my chest. Hoping to God that she doesn’t feel my heart beating so quickly, I run my fingers through her hair as she relaxes.

“Linda?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you, for letting me pop your snuggle-cherry.”

She giggles next to me. “It’s a good thing you’re a cherry-popping kind of guy.” She teases.

A pang of guilt shoots through me when I hear her words.

Cherry-popping kind of guy.

That’s not me.

I’ve wanted this girl since the moment I saw her but I can’t bring myself to ruin a good thing like I have in the past. She doesn’t deserve that. I’m thankful that she’s being unknowingly patient with me in that regard but fear if I don’t make a move soon, she might walk right[NL10] out of my life. For now, I try to steady my breathing and calm my thoughts, grateful that I’m holding this beautiful girl in my arms all night long. I can tell the moment she falls asleep as her breathing evens out and the weight of her hand on my chest is heavier.

One last pang of guilt washes over me as I watch her sleep and think to myself, “Thank Lemons.”

Chapter 8

Linda

It’s been weeks since we first started talking to each other and Jack Schmidt still hasn’t tried to get in my pants. Granted, the first time I thought it might happen, I had to call it off on account of a nasty ass rash, puffy lips and a shortage of breath, but now?

“Which one do you like best?”

It’s been a little over a week since that sour day and he hasn’t tried anything. I’m pretty sure I could strut my best stuff in front of him buck naked and he wouldn’t try anything. What’s a girl supposed to think?

“HEY! Bitchachos!” Jenna’s voice snaps me out of my own personal hell.

“What?”

“I’ve been talking to you and you’re not hearing me.” She holds up two red pieces of lingerie. One has silver tinsel like fringe hanging from the bottom and one has a collar of white fur. “Which one do you like best?”

“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I like…Bo-ho-hoth of them I guess.”’

Jenna’s arms fall at her sides and she leans on her hip. “Was that supposed to be funny?”

“Yep,” I say after another swig of my beer.

“Well bah-humbug to you too. What’s your problem?” Jenna taunts.

“Jizz, there are still several more weeks until Christmas. I have plenty of time to get in the Christmas spirit. But, let’s kill the turkey first, okay?” Wow. I really am a bit pissy today.

“Yeah, I know, but I have to have these holiday pieces ready to go in time for Christmas shopping.” She stares silently at me before stating, “Clearly your mind isn’t with me today, so let’s have it. What’s going on? Did you and Jack have a fight?”

“No.”

“Did you have some bad sex or something?”

I scoff at her remark and roll my eyes. “Jizz, we would have to actually have sex first to have bad sex, so no, it’s not that either.”

“Wait, how long have you guys been together now? A month?” Jenna wonders.

“AT LEAST SIX FUCKING WEEKS!” I shout in my whiniest voice. “It’s been WEEKS and he still hasn’t tried to sleep with me...well, okay, he technically slept with me that one night a week and a half ago, but you know what I mean.”

Jenna places her lingerie on the table in front of us and sits next to me on the couch.

“Has he said anything?”

I shake my head silently.

“But you see him a lot, right?” she asks.

“If we don’t see each other, we talk every day.” I shrug. “I don’t get it. He’s always telling me how beautiful I am…and every time he kisses me, he kisses me like it’s the last time his lips will ever touch mine.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he practically drinks me in. He leaves nothing left. It’s like he’s afraid it will end at some point so he has to pour out every last emotion…every single time.”

Jenna smiles. “That sounds heavenly.” When I look at her in disbelief, she explains. “Linds, he’s worshiping you. Don’t you see that? Don’t you feel it? The man clearly has actual feelings for you. Strong feelings. Anybody who knows him-and maybe those who don’t-can see it when you guys are together. He appreciates you. He wants you, he’s showing you that.”

“Well that’s all well and good and yeah, I feel things too. Of course, I feel things, but he doesn’t want me like that.” I shake my head, disagreeing with her.

“How do you know that?” Jenna argues.

“Because he won’t have SEX with me, Jizz!” I shoot up from the couch and walk to the kitchen for another beer. Maybe I should just go home and wallow by myself.

“Linda, you can’t be serious.”

I whip around from the fridge and stare at her. “Look at this face,” I say, pointing to myself. “Does this face say ‘I’m gettin’ laid every day and loving it.’?”

“No, it doesn’t. I can see that,” Jenna returns. “I can clearly see that you’re pissed about it. I just don’t understand why you’re so damn caught up on the sexual aspect – or lack thereof – of your relationship.”

My head snaps up at the thought that just ran through my mind. “Do you think he could be seeing someone else too?”

“Jack Schmidt? The super nice guy that I’ve spent time with before he ever met you? No way. He’s not that kind of guy.”

“What if he is? There’s this girl who lives in her apartment building. She’s a walking fuck-me sign. She’s built like a damn Barbie doll and she knows it.”

“Linda, that doesn’t mean she’s sleeping with Jack or any other guy who lives in his building.”

“Maybe I should just text him and ask,” I murmur.

Jenna rolls her eyes and gives me her best ‘are you crazy?’ expression. “Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.”

I know she’s being sarcastic but I’m pissed and just tipsy enough to have the courage to pull this off. It’s now or never. I pull my phone out of my back pocket and open the last text conversation I had with Jack.

“What are you doing?” Jenna inquires.

“You were right, Jizz. I should just ask him. I mean he’s bound to tell me the truth, right?”

“You are not seriously doing this,” Jenna says slowly as she watches me put the phone to my ear.

“Hey, babe. What’s up?” Jack answers with a bit of a winded voice, as if he’s running.

“Why don’t you like sex?” The words boldly come out of my mouth.

“Uhhh….” The silence on the other end of the line is a bit deafening. I watch Jenna’s expressions change from annoyance to intrigue. “Who said I didn’t like sex?” Jack’s voice is much clearer now. He obviously changed whatever environment he was in when I first called.

“We’ve been together for I don’t know how many weeks and you’ve never even mentioned it. So, what’s wrong with me?”

“What’s wrong with you?” he stresses.

“Yeah. What’s wrong with me? Is it my hair? My nose-ring? The fact that I’m allergic to fucking yellow citrus balls? What?”

Again, with the silence on the other end. “I’m coming over.”

“Go for it. I’m not home.” I claim.

“Linda what’s going on? Why do you sound so irritated?”

“Because I think I might love you, but you don’t want to have sex with me and I can’t, for the life of me, figure out WHY!” I shout. I catch Jenna’s stare – like a deer in the headlights with the goofiest grin – and immediately gasp, covering my mouth with my hand. Forgetting that I’m even holding a phone I shout again, “SHIT! Jizz, I just word-vomited again. Why are you doing this to me?”

“You’re at Jenna’s?” I hear Jack say into my ear.

Oh, my God he heard me.

I just said…

“Linda?”.

“Yes. I’m at Jenna’s.” I squeak.

“I’m in my car, I’ll be there in six minutes.” He hangs up the phone, leaving me all alone with the paralyzing fear of what will happen when he shows up here.

“I just…”

“Told him you loved him.” Jenna smirks. “Yep. That happened. Just now. It did.” She chuckles.

“Don’t you laugh at me,” I warn.

“I’m totally sort of laughing at you right now, but in the best way possible.” She steps forward and places her hands on my shoulders. “Linda loves a boy.” She swoons.

“So, what?” I try to play off what I said, knowing damn well it won’t work.

“So, what? This coming from the girl who hasn’t spoken about the L word for years. This coming from the girl who basically swore off all relationships for the rest of her life.”

“It doesn’t mean anything.” I argue.

“It damn well does mean something.” She nods. “It means you’ve allowed yourself to be vulnerable. And being vulnerable is risky and means you could get hurt in the end, but Linda, what if this one time you allowed yourself to let go and have feelings, you found someone who could share those feelings with you? Someone who could treasure those feelings, wrap them up with a gigantic bow, and protect them for you?”

I don’t answer her because, quite frankly, I don’t know what to say. I simply shrug my shoulders instead.

“Promise me when he gets here you’re not going to turn this into a fight? Especially a fight about sex.” She pleads.

I shrug my shoulders again, silently, staring at the floor.

“You’re hopeless,” Jenna sighs. “I love you to pieces, but you’re hopeless.”

I don’t have time to respond even if I want to, because a knock at the door alerts us both to Jack’s arrival.

“You okay?” Jenna asks quietly.

“Yeah.” I whisper, sniffling back my emotions. Jenna heads for the front door and opens it. Jack walks in a sweaty mess in his gym clothes. Immediately I feel this pang of guilt in my gut for interrupting whatever it was he was doing. Working out, most likely.

“Hey,” he says to me, looking me over, probably for signs of distress or even drunkenness.

“Hey,” I reply.

“Where’s your car?” he asks me, gesturing toward the driveway. “It’s not parked out there.”

“Home. Jenna brought me here.”

“Perfect. Let me take you home.”

I whip my head up and meet his eyes. “Why?”

He laughs lightly. “Because I have some things I would like to say, and I was hoping to get to see you this evening anyway, so why not?”

“But I’m hanging out with…”

“Ahhh I just remembered I need to umm…wash… my thongs.” Jenna pitches her thumb over her shoulder as she backs up down the hallway. “Yep. You guys just do your thing. It’s ‘Thong-washing Thursday’ so uhh…yeah. I’ve got to do my thing…my thongs…” She laughs quietly. “…you know what I mean. Linda…thanks for hanging out. I’ll catch you later.” She winks before turning into her bedroom, not saying another word.

“That is so fucked up. Thong-Thursday isn’t even a thing,” I mumble as I shake my head in disbelief.

Jack takes my hand and pulls me in for a kiss to my forehead. “Come on. Let me take you home.”

***

“What are these?” Jack asks, picking up a sketch book from the coffee table in front of us.

“Just a few design logo sketches that came to my mind. Nothing important,” I mumble in reply. Jack thumbs through the book of drawings, his eyes growing with each page. “Wow! I’m seriously impressed. You’re really talented. You’ve never shown me these before.”

I shrug like it’s no big deal, even though to me, they are sort of a big deal. “It’s nothing. It’s just a hobby. I was bored.”

Jack puts the sketch book down on the table and turns to me, watching me with sad eyes. “Linda, I’m so sorry I’ve left you doubting my feelings. I’ve never really made clear my intentions, or my desires when it comes to you, or to us.” Jack sighs. As we sit on the couch, he holds my legs on his lap.. “I need you to believe me when I say that I like sex. I love sex, and I want you. I do…I just…”

“Just what? Have I said something to offend you or something? Is it because I’ve slept with other guys?” I ask.

“No.” He shakes his head. “No way. Look, I know it’s going to sound really stupid when I say it’s not you, it’s me, but it’s really not you and it really is me.”

“I don’t understand what that means.”

“That’s because you don’t know the Jack Schmidt of the last ten or fifteen years,” he explains.

“Then tell me about him. I want to know him,” I plead.

“You don’t want to know him. I’m not sure I want you to know him.”

“Why not?”

“Because every time I have any kind of feelings for a girl, everything goes wrong. And I don’t mean emotionally. I mean, something literally goes wrong, leaving me wanting to just run away and hide.”

“Like what?”

“Like…jizzing in my pants after touching my first pair of breasts in high school and having to stand in messy pants while talking to the girl’s father, pretending everything is just fine.”

Oh noooo!

That’s cute.

“Or being known as ‘Flaccid Jack’ for quite some time in college because of one very shitty night.”

Trying to hold back a chuckle while looking as sympathetic as possible is a huge challenge. “It’s okay. You can laugh. I’m over it now.”

I rub his arm tenderly to show my sympathy but absolutely cannot hold back a few giggles. “Flaccid Jack? That’s so horrible.”

“So, I just need you to understand that it’s not that I don’t want to have wild, passionate sex with you, because oh, dear God, I do. Your body puts all sorts of thoughts in my head, believe me. It’s just that…I’m not ready for us to end, and I’m scared to death that by taking the next step with you, I’ll do something that will mean an end to us. And I don’t want that.”

“What do you want?”

“I want to…make you mine,” he says fervently. “I want you to know every minute of every day that I’m with you. I want you to know how I feel about you. I want you to see the evidence every day so there’s never any doubt.” He looks around the room, and then down at the coffee table. He grabs a red marker and a black marker and holds them between us. “Do you trust me?”

“Uhh…” I look between the markers and Jack, not sure of where he’s going. “Of course, I trust you.”

“Good. Close your eyes,” he whispers.

“Why?”

“Don’t ask questions. I promise I won’t hurt you. Just trust me.” He softly swipes down my face with his hand as I cover my eyes. Leaning in closer to me I feel the soft kiss of his lips on my cheek and his hands as they reach for the buttons on my shirt.

He’s unbuttoning my shirt?

Am I even wearing a nice bra?

He trails his fingers down my shirt, unbuttoning the top half and pushes my shirt open. I jump when I feel something touch my skin that clearly isn’t his finger.

“It’s okay.” He stops. “Just trust me.”

I take a deep breath and sit there facing him with my eyes still closed. When he touches me again I can tell it’s one of the markers he had in his hand. He’s writing on me. Or drawing something…or both. I can’t quite tell. I hear when he puts the cap back on one marker and opens another. My breathing quickens in anticipation.

“Almost done,” he whispers.

The last thing I feel before he speaks again is a warm kiss on my chest right above my heart. “There. Finished,” he says. “You can open your eyes now.”

I open my eyes and look down where he was drawing on my skin and almost burst into tears. It’s only a couple of markers but Jack Schmidt just tattooed the words ‘I Love You’ with a red heart in place of the O in Love, right above my left breast. Right above my heart. When I look up at Jack, my mouth hangs open in awe. I don’t know what to say.

“You said about thirty minutes ago that you might love me, and it’s okay if you didn’t mean it. I just thought maybe now would be a good time to tell you how I feel, because I don’t ever want you to have any doubt.”

“I did mean it, Jack.” I take a big breath and reassure myself that Jenna’s right and it really is okay to be vulnerable. “I meant it as much as I can mean it. I don’t really know how to do love. I haven’t allowed myself to think about the L-word for a long time, but it’s all I think about when I think of you. So, I think that means I love you, sooo…yeah. I meant it.”

“Good. Because I love you too.” He smiles. “And I really want to kiss you right now.”

“Then shut up and kiss me already.” I chuckle as I climb onto his lap. He holds my face with his hands and pulls me toward him. His lips clench mine in an enchanting kiss that fuels my desire for him. We spend many minutes wrapped around each other, reveling in our sweet love before our lips separate from one another.

“You’re so beautiful and I am so damn lucky.”

“Do you want to stay?” I encourage him.

Jack closes his eyes painfully. “I do. I really do, but Sampson is at home, and I have a big day in court tomorrow. Remember I told you about Lexi and Tim, the two kids in the custody battle?”

“Yeah.”

“Tomorrow is the big day. I know that means I’m leaving you hanging for one more night, but I need to be there for them and I need to be prepared. I still have some studying to do before I call it a night, but I promise tomorrow, I’m all yours…and you’re all mine,” he says, kissing my neck.

“It’s okay. You do need to be there for them. They need someone to be in their court…pun un-intended.”

“Thank you for understanding.” He kisses the other side of my neck. “I promise I will make it up to you. I’ll spend all night tomorrow making it up to you.”

“It’s a deal.”

“And you know what else I can’t wait for?” he asks.

“What?”

“Our trip to New York Next week. I hope these next few days fly by so we can be free to spend several days together, just you and me, locked in a hotel room.” He smiles and kisses me again.

“Mmm…I love the sound of that.”

Jack stands up, lifting me from his lap and carrying me all the way to the front door. “It’s a beautiful tattoo,” he says, admiring his artwork on my chest.

“I think I’ll keep it,” I tell him. He kisses me one last time before putting me down and opening the door.

“I’ll call you tomorrow as soon as I can. Wish me luck.”

“You don’t need luck. You’re bad-ass Jack Schmidt. Go do your thing.”

“I love you!” he calls to me from his car. I wave and blow him a kiss good-night. “I love you too!”

Chapter 9

Linda

Fridays are the best day of the week! Although it’s not always the end of my work week – as I work during the weekends a lot – it’s always the end of Jack’s, which means I usually have his undivided attention for a few days in a row. Knowing that I’m off today, and after last night, I’m pretty sure this weekend might just become the greatest weekend of my life, and I have all day to prepare for it.

“Forget Friday!” I say as I spring out of bed. “As far as I’m concerned, it’s sex-day!” Stepping in front of the mirror in the bathroom, I pull on the collar of my shirt until I can see it. The tattooed words that Jack left for me last night are still there, his reminder of his feelings for me.

He loves me.

Staring at his artwork on my body makes me fear the shower. “It’s too pretty to wash it all away,” I whine to myself. I contemplate covering it with plastic or something, but if it gets even a little bit of water on it, the ink will run. “Too bad it’s not a real tattoo. Then I wouldn’t have to…”

I gasp at my own words. “A real tattoo…”

Quickly I pull my shirt off and study the markings over my heart. “He would flip out.” I smile thinking of how awesome it would be if I could show him tonight that the ink is permanent. That his words really will be with me forever. Not sure if they’ll even have time to get me in, I decide to pull on some clothes, throw my hair up in a messy bun and call Jenna.

“Jenna’s cell phone answering service?” Jacoby’s voice greets me.

“Uh, I’m pretty sure her cell phone actually comes with an answering service,” I tease.

“Yeah but I saw your name and knew she wouldn’t want to miss your call so I answered it. She’s in the bathroom.”

“Well then, hey there, Mr. Jacked Up Jacoby, how’s it going this morning? If she’s in the bathroom then I trust I’m not interrupting something important?” I smirk even though nobody can see me.

“Well first, I don’t fuck and tell.” He chuckles. “And secondly, no. I’ve actually been up for several hours working, and she just woke up not too long ago.”

“Oh good. Do you guys have plans today?”

“Nothing major. Why? Do you have plans?”

I want to squeal through the phone, “YES! I’m getting LAID tonight!” but that might be really awkward for Jacoby to hear since that statement involves his best friend. “Uh, yeah later, but first I want to get a tattoo.”

“What? A tattoo? Why?”

“Why not? You’ve got some. Where did you go to get them done?”

“You’re serious?” he asks.

“Hell yeah, I’m serious!” I exclaim.

“Uh, okay. I usually go see Cole over at Flash Your Tats. He’s great. Does nice work…she wants to get a tattoo today.” I hear Jacoby tell Jenna my plans and then hear a shuffling noise on the other end.

“You want to do WHAT?” She squeals. “Are you even serious right now?”

“YES! I’m serious.” I laugh back at her. “It’s a long story but Jack tattooed me with markers last night and I want to make it permanent. Will you go over with me?”

“Something about Jack? You’re getting a tattoo for Jack? Babe, don’t you want to think that through a little bit? I mean, I don’t know what it is but what if it doesn’t work out?” she warns.

“Biotch, listen to me. I’m not getting his name tattooed across my ass or anything. It’s just something I like and want to keep.”

“You have to tell me what it is before I say I’ll go.”

“Okay but I’m going whether you decide to come with me or not,” I tell her.

“Just tell me.”

“He wrote the words ‘I love you’ right over my heart last night, Jizz.” I swoon. “But he drew a little red heart in the place of the O in love. It’s so cute. It’s small but it’s there and I don’t want to wash it away. I want to keep it. Forever. He loves me, Jizz. He told me he loves me.”

There’s silence on the other line until I hear a sniffle.

“What the hell, are you crying?” I ask her.

“Shut up. No, I’m not crying.”

She’s totally crying.

“What’s wrong with you?” I laugh.

“That’s just so sweet, Linds. He told you he loves you...he told her he loves her.” I hear Jenna tell Jacoby.

“Yeah, we had a nice talk last night. And after his big day in court today we’re going to finally uh, celebrate our feelings…all night long, he said.” I giggle.

“Oh, my gosh!” Jenna laughs.

“Yeah so I want to get this tattoo so I can surprise him tonight. So, will you come with me?”

“Of course, I’ll come with you! I think this is super sweet. You guys are so cute together. What time to do you want to go?”

“Um, I don’t know yet. I have to call and make sure they can get me in. I’m hoping they will since it’s just a small thing.”

“Ok well I’ll get myself ready and you just swing by my place whenever you’re ready.”

“Sounds great. I’ll be in touch. Later Jizz.”

“Later babe!”

***

“I hope you’re sure about this,” Jenna says as she climbs into the passenger seat of my car. “You know tattoos are permanent, right? There’s no going back.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. And yes, I’m sure.” I can’t hide the giddy smile that I’ve been wearing all morning. Jenna looks at me like she’s not sure who I am.

“What has gotten in to you? Last night you were all ‘cry me a river, I’m not getting laid’, and now you have this weird smile plastered across your face.”

I look over at her and, with a pretend horrified expression, declare, “I think it might be love.”

“Ha! You don’t say.” Jenna laughs. “I apologize if I’ve ever put you through the ‘emotional-best-friend-ringer’ because wow, it’s hard to keep up with your emotions sometimes.”

A hearty laugh escapes me. “Consider it karma, bitch! You owe me. This is the start of bestie retribution.”

“Okay, okay. I concede. Besides, if you’re with Jack and I’m with Jacoby, we’ll never be apart! So, show me this fake tattoo,” she says.

As I’m driving I pull the collar of my shirt down so she can get a glimpse of Jack’s words written on my chest. “Awww, that’s so sweet. If Jacoby had done that to me, I would’ve wanted to keep it too.”

“Do you think he’ll like it?” I can’t believe I’m even questioning myself.

“If his feelings are as strong as yours, and I think they are, then yes, I think he’ll love it,” Jenna says, putting my mind at ease. “Do you think tonight is the night?”

“Oh yeah. He finally told me last night that he wants it, really badly, but he’s been too scared to mess anything up between us,” I begin to explain.

“Why? He’s not a virgin, is he?”

“No, I don’t think so, though he never really said for sure. What he did say was that he’s had it kind of rough in the sexual experience department, and I don’t mean rough in a good way.”

“Awww, poor Jack. I wouldn’t have ever thought that possible with him, and Jacoby has never mentioned anything, not that he would always know, I suppose.”

“Yeah. So, I think now that both of our feelings are out on the table, he feels better about things. So, the plan is to get together after his hearing and spend the night…together.” I wink.

“Are you going there or is he coming to your place?”

“Umm, to be honest we really hadn’t decided that. He’s going to text me when he’s home from his hearing, but maybe I’ll swing over there and surprise him with what is soon to be the best tat ever!” I declare.

“Did you trim the bush?” Jenna asks in her best drill sergeant voice.

“Bush trimmed, Sir!” I respond with a salute.

“Shave your legs?”

“Legs shaved, Sir!”

“Coconut oil applied?”

“Soft as a baby’s butt, Sir!”

“Good, because we’re here.” She squeals as I turn the car into the parking lot of the Flash Your Tats tattoo parlor. I pull into a spot near the entrance of the store and grab my purse from the back seat. “Here we go!”

Chapter 10

Jack

“Thank you, Mr. Schmidt. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me.” Mrs. Clark wraps me in a hug as we stand together in the court room.

“It was the least I could do for your children, Mrs. Clark,” I say to her. “You have great kids. They deserve to grow up with a parent who can provide for them and most importantly, show them unconditional love.”

“So, what do I do now?” she asks as I close my briefcase.

“Well, the court will send some paperwork that finalizes everything, but in the meantime, you get to walk out of here with a smile on your face, go pick up your kids and spend the day showering them with love. I guarantee you they will appreciate it.”

Mrs. Clark beams at me through her teary eyes. “That sounds like a perfect idea.” We both walk out of the courtroom where Mrs. Clark’s ex-husband looms nearby. His expression is not at all one of satisfaction and I can feel Mrs. Clark’s anxiety level rise just walking next to her.

“Just keep your head up and keep walking, Molly. He can’t hurt you now. That’s what the restraining order is for, and if he comes anywhere near you or the kids you call the police immediately. Don’t think twice.”

Mrs. Clark takes a huge breath and wipes away the happy tears from a moment ago. “Why does he have to ruin everything? I can’t even celebrate without him getting in the way.”

“Don’t worry,” I tell her with a reassuring smile. “That will only last until you leave this building. Then you’ll be fine.”

“Do you get to celebrate things like this to? Or is it just back to the office for you?” she asks sincerely.

“Well, yeah it is back to the office for me to finish some paperwork, but yes, I’ll get a chance to unwind tonight and celebrate with a beer.”

Or, you know, sex!

“Great. You deserve it. So, you’ll be in touch with anything else I need to do?”

“Yes. My office will call to schedule one more meeting to finalize any outstanding paperwork. You should expect to hear from someone on Monday or Tuesday at the latest.” I nod.

“Great. Thanks again. For everything,” she says.

“You’re welcome.” I wave as she walks out the door into a beautifully sunny Friday afternoon.

***

I’ve never been more grateful to have a hearing today of all days. Having something to keep me busy all day certainly makes the day go faster. When the clock strikes five I don’t hesitate to shut down my computer, clear off my desk, grab my stuff and head for the car. I can’t wait to get home. I’m in need of a good shower to wipe the slime of abusive ex-husbands off me so I can focus on the one and only thing I want tonight.

Linda.

She’s waited patiently for so long, so I have a lot of making up to do. I want her to be able to feel all my feelings for her, and have not one doubt in her mind who she can trust to give her the world if she wants it.

After I walk Sampson, I play with him for a few minutes before getting ready to jump in the shower. I pull off my socks and take my shirt off before starting the water. Thoughts of Linda, and what our night might be like, have been running through my head all day. I can feel the anticipation surging through me. I remove my belt from my pants and unzip them when a blood-curdling scream comes from next door.

“HELLLLP! OH MY GOD!”

“Whoa! What the…?” I ask myself, running through the apartment to ensure nobody is here. The scream was loud enough, I would’ve believed it was from the next room.

Next room.

Gabby’s room.

“GET OUUUUT!”

Her bathroom is just on the other side of mine. That’s what I had to have heard. It was definitely her voice I heard. I run from my apartment straight into hers, not even knocking to make sure everything is okay. I know Gabby isn’t my favorite person in this apartment complex, and I know I sometimes see her as a bit of walking Destiny from my college years, but I wouldn’t ever wish her harm. If she’s being attacked, it’s my duty to help her.

“Gabby!” I shout running through her apartment.

“JACK! HELP!” she cries.

I expect to find her being physically attacked by a stranger, or worse, maybe someone we know who lives right here in the complex. What I don’t expect to find when I make my way down the hall to her bathroom is Gabby, dressed only in a pink bathrobe, standing on her bathroom sink.

“Gabby? What’s going on?” I ask, trying to catch my breath.  “Are you okay?”

“NOOO! I’m not ok, Jack! There’s a MOUSE in my bathtub!!” She points to the white tub against the opposite wall. “Look! You have to get him out of there!”

Is she kidding me?

I take one more step farther into the bathroom towards the tub and confirm that there is, indeed, a nice-sized mouse scratching at the walls of her tub, unable to climb up.

“Okay, first of all, you sounded like you were being murdered with that scream, but it’s only a damn mouse in your bathroom. And secondly, how the hell did it get in there?”

Still standing on the sink and grasping at her robe she explains, “I have no idea how he got in here at all! One minute I was washing my make-up off my face, and when I went to open the shower curtain he fell in. He had to have been on the curtain rod and I never saw him. How the hell he got up there is beyond me! PLEASE, can you just help me get him out?”

I look around the room with my hands on my hips not sure of how I’m going to remove this mouse from the bathtub. Part of me would love to just let the little guy stay in there and tell Gabby it’s probably karma for something, but damn it, I’m the nice guy who doesn’t like to be mean to women, so of course I agree to help her.

“Do you have a mouse trap?” I ask her.

“Ew! No! I’ve never had mice before and besides, I don’t want mouse guts all over my tub. I need to get a shower before my date tonight!” She squeals.

“Okay, well, I can’t promise that I’m going to get him out of there alive. Just…” I think for a minute and realize it’s not a big deal. “Why don’t you just grab your things and go shower at my apartment while I deal with him? Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah. Oh, God, yes! I don’t want to see what happens to him.” Gabby jumps down from the sink and grabs her shampoo and conditioner from the side of the tub. “I’ll just…go wash my hair at least, and come back.”

“Sure. No problem. Umm, how about a bucket. Do you have a bucket of some sort that I can try to lure him into to get him outside?”

“Yeah I do.” she says, grabbing a small bag and tossing a few things from the bathroom inside. “It’s underneath the sink in the kitchen.”

Following her instructions, I walk out into the kitchen and find a large blue bucket underneath the sink. “Broom?” I shout to her.

“Hall closet!” she responds, walking down the hall, opening the closet door along the way. “Right here. Thanks Jack. I swear I’ll be quick.”

“No problem. I can’t promise I’ll be quick, but I’ll try.” I walk back into Gabby’s bathroom as she leaves for my apartment. I hear her say hello to Sampson before deciding to get back to the matter at hand.

With a broom in one hand and a bucket in the other, the only thing I can think to do is to try and push the mouse into the bucket and then hopefully release it outside. One would think that would be pretty easy to do, but in fact, it is not. I guess I never thought about just how fast mice can be when they want to be. This little guy has been able to evade my every move. Finally, and with a little more force than I probably needed, I use my hockey-stick of a broom to shoot the mouse into the bucket like a puck into a net. The mouse hits the bottom of the bucket and is dazed just long enough for me to pick the bucket up so that he can’t climb out.

“He shoots! He SCORES!” I shout to nobody but myself. Before the prize rodent tries to escape the bucket, I grab a towel from the rack in front of me and throw it over the top of the bucket. “Time to get you out of here, little guy. Hang on.”

Once again, I feel like the ultimate winner proudly walking down the stairs of my building with the prize in hand. It’s not until I reach the door to the outside that I realize that I’m not wearing a shirt, or socks and shoes. I let out a playful sigh of defeat before telling my new rodent friend, “You’re lucky I’m an animal lover, because I’m about to freeze my nipples off for you.”

Opening the doors to the building, I feel the rush of cold wind shooting my chest and cold cement against the bottoms of my feet. I sprint across the parking lot to the grassy area, where I remove the towel and tip the bucket over releasing the mouse. “You’re welcome,” I say to him as he scurries away like this whole thing was a fun adventure.

I don’t hesitate to get myself back in the building and up the stairs to get warm. Once I’m finished putting away the broom and bucket, I close Gabby’s apartment door and head for mine. When I open the door, Gabby is just on the other side, hair wet with her bag on her arm. “Mission accomplished,” I tell her proudly.

“Thank God,” she says.

“No, thank me. God had nothing to do with it this time.” I smile.

“Jack, you were great. Thank you for…taking care of me.” She pats my arm. “Did you get rid of the evidence?”

“Oh yeah. It was a satisfying release. I think everyone’s happy.”

“Good.” Gabby and I trade places in the door way, but as she starts to leave she turns back. “You might not want to tell Linda about this you know. She may decide to never come back here. Good night, Jack.”

“Good night, Gabby.” I watch as she turns around to head back to her apartment and freezes. She steps aside and turns back to me to make sure I see what it is she’s seeing.

Linda.

Standing at the top of the steps…with a horrified look on her beautiful face.

Shocked to even be seeing her here, I step outside my apartment to greet her. “Linda…”

She puts her hand up to stop me from moving and looks between Gabby and myself. It’s then that I realize what she sees.

Gabby wet and in a bathrobe.

Me with no shirt on.

Both standing outside my apartment door.

I swallow slowly and try to shake my head back and forth. “Linda this isn’t at all what you…”

“Fuck you!” she yells as tears begin to tumble down her face. “Fuck you both.”

“Shit! Linda!” I call out for her and try to follow her down the steps but she’s faster than I give her credit for. She’s in the car and speeding away before I can even try to get close to her. I throw my hands into my hair and swallow the cold evening air, reminding myself to breathe every few seconds.

“What have I done?”

To Be Continued…

Author Bio

Susan Renee wants to live in a world where paint doesn’t smell, Hogwarts is open twenty-four/seven, and everything is covered in glitter. An indie romance author, Susan has written about everything from lawn mowers to thick colossal bottles of wine, and has won a Snuggle Buddy award for her nonfiction book, “The Hula Hoop Tester’s Guide to Jumping.” She lives in Ohio with her family and seven tiny donkeys. She’s a Pet Whispering major from OMGU with a Masters in medical care for inanimate objects (a la Doc. McStuffins). Susan enjoys crab-walking through the Swiss Alps, drinking Muscle Milk, and doing the Care Bear stare with her closest friends.

Where can I read more from Susan Renee?

All of Susan’s books can be found on

Amazon and via Kindle Unlimited!

Solving Us

Seven

Hole Punched

The Schmidt Load Series Book 1:

You Don’t Know Jack Schmidt

The Schmidt Load Series Book 3:

(Coming fall of 2017)

Where can I keep in touch with Susan Renee?

Join Susan’s Sweet-tarts Reading Group on Facebook

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[NL1]Not?

[NL2]An hour after 7 usually is 8  ??

[NL3]It’s not texting…

[NL4]Do your math  ??  more like 15

[NL5]Nobody tell you you’ll get stuck in HR either  lol  That’s my totally generic degree!  hahahahaha

[NL6]He lets “they’re not going far” slide???

[NL7]Italicize the big one (book title, album title, etc), quote the small one (chapter title, song title, etc)

[NL8]If he asked what happened, he doesn’t know it’s an allergy

[NL9]He and Jenna are sitting in chairs-see previous page.

[NL10]You need a verb. She’ll ___ right out of my life. Run? Pop? Disappear?